Fun With Akatsuki
by Teslyn
Summary: Beware- A collection of oneshots that capture the lovely moments in the lives of the lovely Akatsuki. - Chapter 22: Asking for Help
1. Valentine's Day

**A/N:**

**This is the result of extreme boredom and randomness.**

**Enjoy.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. Or the series would be called 'Akatsuki' **

**Valentine's Day**

Hidan didn't wake up in the wrong side of the bed that morning. He was rudely _woken up_. And when Hidan is woken up, it is _always_ on the 'wrong side of the bed.' As his room came into focus, the first person he saw was Deidara. Hidan isn't exactly stupid, so, naturally, he can put one and one together.

Getting woken up plus Deidara being the only one around equals Deidara was the one who poked Hidan. The elements of his logic, you ask? Because one and one equals three. (Despite his horrible logic and math, Hidan still got the basic idea. The stupid Iwa-nin had poked him awake)

"What the hell do you want, Deidara?" Hidan grumbled, brushing sleepies from his eyes.

Deidara grinned, arching a blond eyebrow. "Now, now, Hidan, un! It's Valentine's Day!" The blond, feminine shinobi chirped happily.

Hidan rolled his eyes. "Why the _hell_ are you celebrating Valentine's Day?" Hidan muttered, more to himself than anyone else.

"I've taken it upon myself to see to it that all those poor souls who nobody cares about get Valentines, un." Deidara answered proudly. Hidan's eye twitched. He sat there for a moment before he realized what Deidara was implying.

"Go fuck yourself, brat." He retorted angrily (if a bit delayed), chucking a pillow at the blond.

"No thanks, I always end up asking Sasori-danna to help me anyway, un," was the impertinent, (hopefully joking) reply.

Hidan groaned. 'To much information… gah! That kid needs to die!'

'That kid' tossed a heart-shaped box of chocolates to Hidan and bounded out of the room faster than Hidan could perform his quickest ritual.

Looking at it suspiciously, Hidan put the box in the middle of a complex drawing. After about thirty minutes of staring at the drawing and the box, his gods deemed the chocolates safe.

xXx

Kakuzu stood to answer the knock at the door. Opening it, he found nobody around. Looking down, he saw a box of chocolates with a note attached.

_To someone who usually never gets a Valentine's gift, un. ._

_With love, _

_Deidara _

'Deidara needs to die… oooh, but I _do_ love chocolates!'

xXx

"Sasori-danna, un, open up the door!" Deidara yelled. The puppet in question rolled his crimson eyes and finished adding eyes to his current puppet, which when completed would be a voodoo doll of Kisame. (Voodoos of Hidan and Kakuzu were already done)

There was no response. Rolling his eyes Deidara muttered something about baka puppets, retarded art, and a holiday unappreciated. While ranting to himself, his hands formed a tiny spider and dropped it. The clay creature crawled under the door.

'Five, four, three, two, one!'

'One' was prompted by a huge explosion. "Deidara…" Sasori growled, glaring at the blond in question through the hole in his wall which _had_ been the door.

"Good morning to you, too, Sasori-danna, un!" Deidara responded enthusiastically.

"Would it kill you to be morose or even just a tad bit serious once in a while?" Sasori groaned, shoving his paints and the wooden doll aside. "Seeing as you're not going until you get whatever you have to say off your chest, I guess I'm doomed to listen."

"Sasori-danna, un, I made it my mission to deliver Valentines to those who usually don't get them, un." Deidara grinned. "And, yes, it would probably kill me," the blond added as an after-thought.

"Lovely," was Sasori's sarcastic remark as he regarded the lace-and-ruffle decorated, pink, heart-shaped box of chocolate imitations of various Akatsuki members with disinterest. "I know!" Deidara bounced on Sasori's bed, oblivious (or maybe he was just ignoring it) to the heavy sarcasm that coated Sasori's words. The puppet held up a fish-shaped cookie covered in blue icing. "Hn, Kisame would just _love_ this one." Deidara gave a lopsided grin and took off.

xXx

'Woah' was all Deidara could say when he blasted Itachi's door open. Holding the eye-shaped box he stared at the mounds upon mounds of boxes in Itachi's room.

Said man was laying on his bed, staring at the ceiling in distaste. "I have no idea how they do it, Deidara. Every fucking time I move, they _still_ seem to find my address and send me pointless cards/flowers/chocolates/random gifts during every fucking holiday."

"Who, Itachi-san?" Deidara asked though his tone screamed 'I know who, I just want to bug you.' And to be honest, Deidara _did_ know who. After all, it was the blond haired, blue-eyed shinobi who sent Itachi's address to the Official Uchiha Fanclub of Konoha.

"My fanclub. And I thought they would all turn to Sasuke as their object of affection once it was out that I murdered the whole fucking clan. Hell, that was _part of the reason_ I killed my pathetic family - in the hopes that they'd leave me alone!" By the time Itachi was done ranting, Deidara had already added his box to the piles and inched cautiously out of the room.

Picking up the box that Deidara had left, Itachi opened it. Inside were eye-shaped sugar cookies with black and red icing.

'Fuck you, Deidara.'

xXx

Somewhere in the Hidden Village of Sound, Uchiha Sasuke sneezed. 'Damnit, if that's my fanclub talking about me, I swear I will return to Konoha just to kill every goddamn one of them!' He thought viciously. A knock on his door interrupted his murderous thoughts as well as causing Sasuke to jump about a mile into the air while calling out, "Come in, unless you're Kabuto."

Too bad. It was Kabuto, and, disregarding Sasuke's warning, entered the room carrying a huge pile of chocolates.

"What the _fuck?_!" Sasuke shouted. "How the hell did those stupid girls get my address?!" Kabuto snickered to himself, and without answering, he dumped the boxes on a chair. "Only twenty-three more piles, Sasuke-sama." He said with mock cheerfulness, pushing his glasses up onto his nose.

The answer to Sasuke's question? Well, contrary to popular believe, the Sound Five had survived the first Retrieve The Stupid Uchiha Bastard Mission, and Tayuya, pissed off at Sasuke, had sent the address of Sasuke to his official fanclub.

xXx

Needless to say, every member of the Akatsuki got a box of personalized chocolates from Deidara that year.

Also needless to say, Deidara visited the village medic that afternoon, covered in numerous scratches, bruises, and scrapes courtesy of his so-called comrades.

People were careful of what they gave to their partners for every holiday after that (except for Tobi, who was followed Deidara's absurd secret orders to deliever strange and obnoxious gifts – but then again, Tobi isn't really an Akatsuki member, plus he's stupid.)

**A/N:**

**The End.**

**Why Valentine's Day? Because it's Thanksgiving.**

**HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE…**

**Please review?**

**-Aes Sedai **


	2. Stalkers

**A/N:**

**Yet another random one. Unfortunately, this one only has Itachi and Kisame. It's a crackfic, so beware.**

**This is a challenge from my cousin. **

**-Fanclub vs. Itachi and Kisame.**

**Stalkers**

The girls from Sasuke's old fanclub stood around the fire in a cult-like way, chanting indistinguishable words. The Lead-Fan Girl held a piece of paper above her head, showing it to the other females present.

Unbeknownst to anyone who was not part of the original Official Sasuke Fanclub, the letter was very… ehm, disturbing to say the least. Luckily for the girls, they were _way_ over Sasuke – who crushed after a traitorous, murderous … need I go on? The emo part of Sasuke the girls didn't mind – they LOVED emo-ness. But they just couldn't love a traitor to Konoha (only the Official Itachi Fanclub of Rabid Girls could love a traitor) so… they stopped trying. If they hadn't … well the letter would have come as a devastating shock to all of them, for it read:

_Dear Fan Club,_

_My name is Kabu-… eh, Kabu. I work with Sasuke-kun now. I just wanted to let you all know that Sasuke-kun is doing very well. He is gay. And he's mine. And I'm a pedophile kick-ass ninja. So don't mess with me. In short, BACK OFF BITCHES –insert maniacal laughter here-!!!_

_Hating you always and loving Sasukekins always,_

_Kabu_

The offensive letter was reduced to ashes as the girls chanted their new object of affection's name. "NARUTO-KUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

xXx

Naruto was down the streets of Konoha, searching for the Ero-sannin late at night when he heard someone or thing screech his name. Kami-sama help him, he **really** needed to find Jiraiya-sensei before he went crazy. Unfortunately, he couldn't find the perverted hermit anywhere and the screeching gave Naruto reason to believe that his troubles were getting worse. See, Naruto had been hallucinating since the second day of his return, and today marked day eight. It was really bothering him – he'd hear someone giggle, only to whirl around and find nobody.

He'd keep walking, only to hear the giggle again. This time, he'd whip around so fast he'd catch four or five girls exchanging hiding spots – it was really starting to bother him. I mean, _Sasuke_ had the fangirls, not him!

xXx

Naruto hadn't changed that much during the two-and-a-half years he'd been training with Jiraiya. According to his fellow shinobi, he had matured (somewhat) and was remarkably stronger. Naruto couldn't, of course, get his brand-new fanclub's feedback because well… a) he didn't know he now had a fanclub and b) even if he did know, they'd probably mob him before he could get a word in.

So I, the authoress, took the liberty of peeking into the minds of the lead fangirls.

Before Naruto was loud, annoying, boisterous… well, you catch my drift, right? Now… Naruto was loud, annoying, boisterous… yet noticeably hotter. Plus he had incorporated the all-powerful color black into his jumpsuit… and black was such a… _pwnsome_ color! His looks had matured and the new outfit just made him… fanclub-worthy, in the rabid, obsessive girls' views.

xXx

Itachi and Kisame stowed the traveling gear beneath a rock. Both of them buttoned their fluffy red cloud-cloaks up all the way, and put on their cute hats. In their masterful disguise, they crept into Konoha to stalk Naruto and eventually kidnap him. Reaching the gates, Itachi incapacitated the guards with a sleeping genjutsu, and the two waltzed into Konoha while the alarm slept peacefully. Literally. Waltzed. And did the tango. –twitches and pukes at mental image-

Once they were done with their… erm… 'victory dance', the caught site of Naruto-kun. The fact that the Akatsuki were after him must have really worn down the poor boy's nerves, seeing as every five feet or so, he'd twitch, spin around, and glare at thin air. Itachi gave Kisame the 'eyebrow'. Kisame returned it with the 'baring-teeth'. For them, it was a silent way of giving high-fives and whooping with joy at a mission half-done.

Quickly, Itachi did some awesome ninja moves and dove behind a trash can. Kisame did some even more awesome ninja moves and tried to dive behind said trash can. Three problems – a) Samehada got in the way, b) Itachi was there, c) some random girl was their too, glaring at both Itachi and Kisame balefully.

Kisame sighed resignedly, and resorted to crouching behind Itachi and the girl as his partner exchanged quiet and progressivly heated words with said girl.

"I'm Yumi." The girl stage-whispered. "Are you trying to join the Official Naruto Fanclub? Because only we have the authority to stalk Naruto-kun in the dead of night." At this, the homicidal, psychotic Uchiha stiffened indignantly.

"_We_ do not need to be part of your pathetic little group – we're already in a more prominent one, and _we've_ been assigned the task to go beyond just 'stalking' and kidnap Naruto-kun." His voice was layered with contempt, and his tone screamed 'I'm better than you so kiss my -CENSORED-!'

The girl glared and retorted angrily, "Oh, so Naruto-kun has an Official Naruto Fanclub for Queens too?" This, naturally, made Itachi stiffen even more.

"I am not queer!" He squawked indignantly. "Nor is my partner, or anyone else in our group… except maybe Deidara, but we're not sure whether he's a girl or a boy anyway." The real reason behind Itachi's ire you ask?

Well in truth, Itachi was a little peeved that Naruto-kun had a fanclub when the annually voted Beauty King of the Akatsuki was himself – yes, Itachi had a fanclub, but _his_ didn't stalk him – well, not daily at least (on account that he was a proved murderer andm entally unstable as well, but Itachi disregarded this fact as jealousy rose. He also ignored the fact that even the Beauty Queen of Akatsuki – Deidara – didn't even have a fanclub. Also overlooked was the even crazier fact that Itachi's fanclub was extremely rabid, thus more deadly if they ever caught hands on the Uchiha.)

Anyway, all these angry emotions surged in Itachi. The normally apathetic Uchiha couldn't deal with the sudden onrush of his emotions so his body shut down on him. In simpler terms, a mere girl made the Great Uchiha Itachi, Master of the Sharingan… faint.

"Fuck you, stupid bitch. Now I have to fucking carry my fucking partner back to Headquarters because we can't fucking continue with his fucking Mangekyou fucking Sharingan, and it's all thanks to you fuckers who call yourselves Naruto-fucking-kun's fucking fanclub. So thanks a fucking lot." Kisame's statement was littered with about 10 variations of 'fuck' – Yumi counted, while completely ignoring the threat behind the words.

"Fuck is a vulgar word, ya know. You shouldn't say it." She said in a coolly sanctimonious tone while facing the downwards rushing Samehada. Luckily, those weren't her last words.

"Go fuck yourself, fish-face" were, proving her to be a hypocrite and dead. Very dead.

xXx

Kisame gave no explanation as to why he and Itachi had returned, or why Itachi was unconscious. He didn't want to be laughed at so he brushed off all questions with a shark-like glare.

**The End**

**A/N:**

**Yay! Sorry, that was a whole bunch of randomness, but it was FUN!**

**I hope you like it –**

**-Aes Sedai**


	3. They Weren't Always That Awesome

**A/N:**

**This one's for Pirate Soul who wanted me to write something on the origin of the Akatsuki outfits!!**

**So… this one's for you PIRATE SOUL!**

**They Weren't Always That Awesome**

It was 'Story Night' for the Akatsuki. It was a cool time when everyone gathered in the Common Room and Sir Leader Sama told stories. Tonight, though, was special. It was a story mainly for the newbies – Deidara, Tobi and Hidan. It started off like this…

"Sir Leader Sama! Tell a story about… um… your awesome uniform!" A new, young prisoner asked cheerfully. Really, he was far to cheerful for his own good – maybe they would ask Itachi to Tsukuyomi him into submission later, but tonight nothing could spoil the happy air of joyous joyfulness so they let the boy get off with a slap upside the head, courtesy of Hidan. (Of course, the religion-fanatic couldn't resist adding a, "Shut the hell up and speak when spoken to!")

"Very well. I shall tell a story of our awesomeness…" Leader began, dropping his voice a pitch to give the story a better effect.

"The Akatsuki uniform wasn't always a kick-ass costume. It all started on a dark and stormy night in the middle of Iwagakure when a captain said to his men. 'Men, I'm going to tell you a story. It was a dark and stormy night, in the middle of Otogakure when a captain said to his men. 'Men, I'm going to tell you a story…- eh?" Sir Leader Sama was rudely interrupted by a kick to his ribs from Zetsu.

"Please, Sir Leader Sama. None of your never-ending stories. Just tell the story of the uniforms so we can get the hell out of here," half of Zetsu asked. The other half merely muttered under its breath.

"Fine," Leader pouted.

-Flash Back-

"So, we need a uniform. Something kick-ass and scary so that when people see us, they'll be like, "OMG IT'S THE AKATSUKI UNIFORMS! RUN!!!!!!!!!!! OMG SO SCARY! I THINK I'M GONNA PEE MY PANTS! OH DEAR! OH DEA- eh?" Zetsu interrupted Leader with a rather loud and melodramatic sigh.

"Leader… please, just get on with it." For you see, Leader had a… um, habit of rambling. His right-hand plant took it upon himself to interrupt the Leader and bring him back on track whenever Sir Leader Sama seemed to get carried away. Thus Leader could not live without Zetsu. Zetsu would like me to note that he could live without Leader. And he would be happy. Very happy.

Sasori, Kisame, Itachi, Orochimaru, Zetsu and Kakuzu were present (Deidara hadn't joined yet, Tobi was in the hospital because Orochimaru tried to make sexual advances on him and Zetsu had come to the 'Good Boy's' rescue only to find that Orochimaru had beaten the poor dude unconscious, and Hidan was somewhere far away… creating his cult.)

"Ssssir Leader Ssssama…" Orochimaru hissed, licking his lips with his disgusting tongue, while ignoring the baleful glares Zetsu was sending him. The WEED (We Enjoy Eating Deadbodies - aka Zetsu) was very protective of his subordinate, Obit – I mean, Tobi, and was still angry about Orochimaru trying to rape him and eventually beating the helpless kid up.

"I have a proposssssssssition…"

"Do you, Oro-kun? Please, do tell. We'd just _love_ to hear from our Number One Queen With A Great Fashion Sense!" Leader smiled brilliantly, and folded his hands under his chin, leaning forward in his chair and watching Orochimaru intently.

xXx

"I feel like an idiot, Orochimaru." Sasori hissed angrily. Everyone else (including Leader) agreed silently, but nobody wanted to complain to Orochimaru out right. Except for Tobi who had pointed and laughed, but that's why he was currently with the med-nins who were slowly becoming his best friends (on account he spent the most time with them).

A village boy looked up and stared, a mixture of fear and downright horror crossing his face. "Ssssssee?" Orochimaru gloated. "He's afraid of u –"

Orochimaru was cut off as the look disappeared from the boy's face, and an expression that reflected the laughter that was bubbling inside of him replaced it. "OH DEAR! For a second there, I thought you were abnormally ugly girls coming to terrorize our town, but now I see you're just a bunch of transvestites with a horrible fashion sense. KEISUKE! KEISUKE! COME LOOK, THE CIRCUS HAS COME TO TOWN WITH A BUNCH OF TRANS-"

The boy didn't finish his statement – he was too busy choking on the kunai that Itachi had shoved down his throat. It isn't that Itachi tends to become homicidal at random points, its just that he gets this strong urge to kill people when he gets angry/insecure/or feels ugly… okay, maybe he is randomly homicidal, but you have to empathize with him. At the moment, he was feeling angry, insecure AND ugly. So he just _had_ to kill _someone_ and that boy was just _standing_ there, _laughing_ at him. So, in the Uchiha's mind, he _had_ to die. Simple as that.

But then again, you have to empathize with the boy too – I mean, who wouldn't laugh at the picture painted before them.

Imagine seeing seven guys standing in front of you, wearing a black, long-sleeved undershirt with a purple kimono tied at the waist by a thick purple-and-black cord. Each of the men had purple highlights in their hair, and bright lavender nail polish.

"I guess it's back to the drawing board… **again**…" Leader muttered under his breath.

xXx

"Soo… anyone else have any ideas – Orochimaru put your hand down and shut up. No purple." Leader practically screamed at Orochimaru – he was still chafing from the treatment the boy and Keisuke (whom Zetsu had taken the liberty kill/eat) had given the Akatsuki. Orochimaru, of course, took this quite harshly and sulked in a corner.

Itachi raised his hand.

"Well, Sir Leader Sama Who Is So Great," (at this, Sasori coughed into his fist something that sounded oddly like 'You've got something brown on your nose, Itachi **(1)**'). Itachi pointedly ignored Sasori and continued. "Anyway, our name means Dawn - kind of, so why don't we wear black cloaks with clouds on them? Kind of like Dawn, ya know?"

Leader stroked his goatee thoughtfully. "That is one damn good idea, Itachi-kun. I always knew your title of 'Uchiha Prodigy' was justified." Itachi beamed.

"Hm… we should have _red_ clouds for blood!" Zetsu put in, a far-away look on his face. He was daydreaming of eating someone, and drinking their blood. Everyone slowly inched away from him, all wearing similar looks: O.o

"…" Everyone was speechless. An awkward silence ensued, until Kakuzu bravely broke it.

"But we need to have white lines outlining the red so that people know it's clouds. And they have to be pretty evil-looking or people will think we're a bunch of fluff-balls." (At this, The Authoress snorted, muttering, "And they don't already?" in a extremely sarcastic tone)

"What was that!" Leader asked fearfully. "Someone just implied we were fluff-balls!" He cried frantically.

"Um… Leader Sama? Please… calm down." The Akatsuki members gave each other glances that read 'Sir Leader Sama is going crazy. Kami help us.'

"Anyway, I want high collars. I don't want people attacking me." Itachi added thoughtfully. He really was too hot for his own good. Everyone else nodded sympathetically, each of them remembering the 'Incidient'. They had all been there when a group of rabid fangirls had tackled Itachi to the ground and exposed his extreme ticklishness. Of course, nobody dared mention it since Itachi had threatened to Tsukuyomi anyone who dared bring the matter up again, and the girls would never speak - after all, the dead don't talk. Right?

"Of course, Itachi-kun, of course… Anyone else have anything to add?"

"Yes! Big straw hats with white strings and bells attached so in our free time we can play Bey Blades without having to get them!" Kisame chirped enthusiastically.

"Pleassse! Purple! PURPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!" Orochimaru wailed.

"No!" Leader spat vehemently. "No purple!" Orochimaru pouted, golden eyes getting big. It was the perfect image of a twisted, sick, pedophile-ish puppy dog face. Of course, Leader is twisted and sick, but I'm not so sure about the pedophile part, so he thought it was to unbearable to resist. Everyone else rushed out of the room for five minutes to empty their revolting stomachs. When they returned, they were horrified to hear Leader Sama giving in.

"Fine… we can paint our nails purple." Orochimaru did his Kukukus happily, causing everyone else to leave for another puking session.

Itachi, being the manliest of them all, returned the quickest. "Alright, purple it is. But it has to be such a dark shade that it SEEMS black and only someone within an easy killing distance could tell that it's actually purple and not black. Also, everyone has to agree to 'finish off' anyone who realizes that it's really purple." Everyone nodded their enthusastic consent as they filed back in.

"Then we're done! High-collared, black cloaks with white-outlined menacing red clouds, a pointy straw hat with white strips of cloth and bells, and dark-purple-almost-black nail polish. Please raise your hand if you agree."

The vote was unanimous. Each person was inwardly crowing to themselves in a sick voices, 'We have such kick-ass uniforms! Yayness!' and Kisame even went so far as to do the Kisame Victory Dance - mentally, of course. (The Kisame Victory Dance is copyrighted to Hosigaki Kisame and as described in Annoying the Akatsuki 101 it's pretty much the Cotton Eye Joe while chopping things up).

-END FLASBACK-

"And that, my dears, is how we got such a bad-ass uniforms." Everyone clapped while Sasori slunk away to brood about stupid, traitorous, thieving, murderous, pedophile snakes causing Orochimaru to have a violent sneezing fit in Otogakure.

'Hmm... must be telling the story of the original, fear-inspiring uniforms I designed...' the Snake-sannin thought, conviently forgetting that his 'fear-inspiring uniform' had made the Akatsuki the laughing stock of the shinobi villages.

**A/N:**

**(1) Cookies for anyone who got that. If you didn't PM me :D**

**Yayness! Once again, this goes out to Pirate Soul!**

**-Aes Sedai**


	4. Like Ebisu

**A/N:**

**This is my interpretation of OutcastForever's idea…**

**Sasori as a doctor!**

**It is SHORT… very short**

"…" **speaking**

'…' **Thinking**

**Like Ebisu**

"I just realized something." Sir Leader Sama announced early one morning (far too early for some of the Akatsuki members, seeing as they were in bed and not listening, having ignored the summons).

"We need to find a doctor… To give us the bi-monthly checkups, because we might get sick! And then how would we capture the biju then rule t- … yes, Zetsu?"

"Sir, I don't think we should be revealing our plans right now…" the polite half of Zetsu, making Sir Leader pout a little and stick his tongue out at his right-hand plant. The other half of Zetsu merely muttered "stupid, _stupid_, brat" under his breath.

"Oh alright. So…. Are there any doctors around?"

Hidan raised his hand. "I'll do it." Leader gave him an incredulous look and shook his head empathetically. 'Like hell you will. Hmpf, you'd probably stick us all in a circle and ask your gods if we were okay!'

Kakuzu was sleeping. So were Deidara and Kisame.

Itachi raised his hand. "I learned some medical stuff while I was part of ANBU." Leader sighed. He really didn't want to trust his health to a proven psychopath, but he supposed he didn't really have a choice. Truth be told, all of the Akatsuki were psychopaths, but Itachi was the only _proven_ one (he killed his clan, plus the shrink that he had been sent to proclaimed the obvious ruth), and that made _all_ the difference. Leader was saved from answering as Sasori raised his hand.

"Sir Leader, I know human anatomy quite well seeing as I had to transform myself into a puppet." Leader smiled brilliantly.

"Perfect! You can start now! Go get your partner."

Hidden behind the collar to his kick-ass robes, Sasori smiled in sadistic anticipation. Or was that a friendly expression? Either way, it was creepy. Very creepy.

xXx

"Sasori-danna, un, why so early? Do we have a mission, un?"

A brief smile flickered over Sasori's lips. "No Deidara, Leader got another one of his outrageous fancies and wants me to do a 'doctor-like checkup' on all of the Red Dawn." Sasori explained quietly. "Now get up and come with me."

Deidara groaned and rolled out of bed, hitting the floor and jarring his bones.

Sleepily, he followed Sasori to a small room with a chair, a desk, a lot of blank paper, and a table.

"Onto the table, Deidara." Deidara obeyed.

"Now, let's check your heart. Take of your shirt." Deidara again obeyed with a charming smile.

Two Minutes Later:

"Un…. Sasori-danna? You said you were going to check my heart, un?" Deidara waved his hands in front of Sasori's face. The situation was getting uncomfortable. Sasori just stared. With a sigh, Deidara fed some clay to his hands, and they spit out a spider which promptly blew up, jolting Sasori out of his dream-like trance.

"Ah, yes, your heart." Sasori leaned over Deidara and put his ear to the man's chest. And then he froze again. Now he was officially creeping his partner out.

xXx

In the 'waiting room' Kakuzu shifted uncomfortably as he tried to strike up a friendly conversation with Kisame. The shark had been staring impassively… at nothing. Itachi… well, he was brooding, and nobody interrupted an Uchiha while they were brooding. It was an unspoken rule, and the penalty ranged from severe injuries and high risks of being mangled to death.

"So, Shark-san, is that sword of yours big enough to compensate for something?**(1)**" Kakuzu asked blandly, while twiddling his thumbs idly. A small explosion from the check-up room punctuated his words. Uchiha even stopped brooding to watch Kisame's response with a sadisitic intent. The killer intent washed off of Kisame in waves...

A loud crash ensued. The result of the 'crash'? Well, let's just say that Kakuzu needed to see a doctor. Badly.

xXx

"Sasori-danna, you're not a doctor are you."

"No, Deidara, I'm afraid I'm not." Sasori smiled brightly as he stared at Deidara's half-naked body.

Yes, my friends, the sad, _disturbin g_truth about Sasori. He is a closet pervert. Like Ebisu. Except he likes men.

"Deidara, on your way out send in Itachi, please."

**A/N:**

**(1) Just so you know, the answer is no. It is not big enough. Because Kisame is secretly a girl. **

**Yes, I know this was VERY short… **

**Again, this was based on OutcastForever's idea!**

**And I had this done... 3 days ago, but FF net wouldn't let me post it. Sorreh!**

**--Aes Sedai**


	5. Talk To The Un?

**A/N:**

**A combination of two of the suggestions submitted by Spirit Hellfire – **

**Akatsuki Leader vs. Barney**

**And Deidara's mouths get a toothache.**

**Disclaimer, courtesy of the Dei-kun:**

**Deidara: Saraiyu Aes Sedai does not own Naruto. Or the Akatsuki (thank Kami), un. She also doesn't own the random Monty Python and the Holy Grail references. Or Barney. But who would want to own Barney?**

"…blah" – Speaking

'…blah' – Thinking (not that the Akatsuki do it that much)

**Talk To The… Un?**

Deidara of the Akatsuki, former nin of Iwagakure, was bored. Oh yes, Deidara was bored often, but today, it was special. Because today, he was bored _silly_, un!

Sitting in the Common Room, his mouths molded clay into little birdies that flapped around clumsily. "Sasori-danna, un, I'm bored." Sasori sweatdropped and quickly left the room, calling, "Well, get un-bored," behind him as he disappeared from view.

Anyone smart would immediately leave the vicinity when Deidara admitted he was bored. And Sasori was defiantly smart. Hidan, on the other hand, was quite new to Akatsuki so he wasn't exactly… experienced, for lack of a better word, with Deidara's habits. Everyone else (except for Tobi who usually was bored with Deidara) knew to avoid Deidara like he was a killer bunny who bit the necks of random knights (Kami knows what they are, because the Akatsuki certainly don't) who were searching for the Holy Grail (again, the Akatsuki have less of a clue of what that is than said killer bunny.)

Deidara hummed tunelessly under his breath. Hidan cast him a frosty glare and told him to shut it. Being Deidara, the annually voted Most Immature Akatsuki Member, the ex-Iwa-nin hummed louder. With a tune, this time.

Hidan stretched out on the couch, and shoved his fingers in his hears empathetically. Deidara ignored him and started humming louder and louder, until he couldn't go any louder. So, naturally, he opened his mouth. "lalala, lalala, lalala…..lalala, LALALALALA!!!!!LALALALAAALALLALALALALLALALALLALALALA!!!!DEDUMLA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

'Kami help me, I think I'm going deaf!' Hidan though with a groan.

"DEIDARA! SHUT THAT TRAP ON YOUR FACE _NOW _BEFORE MY GODS SMITE YOU" Hidan yelled.

"Fine, Grumpy!" Deidara grumbled, pouting. Two minutes later, a soft but gradually growing louder humming noise filled the room.

"Deidara…." Hidan muttered, tone carrying more than just a hint of a warning.

"What, un? This trap on my mouth isn't making any noise." Hidan was forced to concede to his point as the humming continued through Deidara's statement.

And the truth hit him five minutes later with the force of Samehada with Kisame's strength behind it. "DEIDARA, SHUT ALL FREAKING THREE OF YOUR FUCKING MOUTHS!"

Deidara merely grinned impishly and added a third voice to the already jarring melody. The noise drew Kisame into the room. "Deidara. If you don't shut the hell up, I will kill you."

"But Kisame-san, I'm _bored_, un," Deidara whined.

"Bored? Eh… goodbye, I think I'll go find Itachi-san…" And then Kisame left, sweatdropping as he broke into a run. His voice floated into the room as he ran through the whole hideout repeating the same phrase. "RED ALERT! DEIDARA'S BORED!"

Hidan grimaced, and followed Kisame out.

Deidara was left to himself for a grand total of three seconds as Leader quickly replaced the religion fanatic.

"Good morning, Deidara." Deidara arched an eyebrow. 'The hell?' he thought. 'It's two in the fucking _afternoon_!'

"Dei-kun, do you know where everyone is?"

'Yes, but I'm not telling you.'

"Talk to the hand… un?" Deidara had stood, holding his hand out while turning his head away from Leader. At the 'un?' he had dropped his stance and gripped his wrist in pain. "MY HAND HAS A TOOTHACHE, UN! OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

He proceeded to run around the room, his pony-tail flying, while shaking his hand and screaming. "HELP ME, UN! HELPPPPPP!!!... UN!"

Leader tripped Deidara, grabbed his hand, and healed it.

"Oh. Thank you, Sir Leader."

"Anything for a subordinate," Leader replied graciously. "Now, do you care to tell me where the rest are?"

"Yes Sir, un!" Deidara snapped to attention, his newly healed hand jerking towards his head in a mocking salute. "Follow me, Sir!" He turned on his heel and held his right hand out in a Hitler-fashion. "Left, left, left, right, left, un!" He repeated over and over until Leader whacked him in the head.

Muttering sulkily about stupid people who wouldn't allow their oh-so-faithful subordinates a little fun, Deidara led Sir Leader Sama out of the cave and into a clearing in the forest that was a twenty minute walk away.

Leader stopped dead in his tracks…

A great, big, purple dinosaur was dancing in a ring with _his_ followers, and all of them were holding hands, singing "I LOVE YOU, YOU LOVE ME, WE'RE A GREAT BIG FAMILY…"

Leader blew a casket. Seriously. 'What the _hell_? A purple dinosaur has stolen my followers and enticed them to sing a _fucking love childish love song_?' he thought, thoroughly outraged. Fortunately for the Akatsuki, he was mad at the dinosaur, not them.

"You! Barney the Purple Dinosaur! I challenge you!"

Barney turned around. "Hahuh? What? Challenge me? But why?" Barney asked stupidly, instead of fleeing while he still had his life.

"YOU STOLE MY FREAKING FOLLOWERS, YOU CREEP!" The rest of the Akatsuki shared a horrified look and hid in various trees, sheltering themselves from the fight they were sure would erupt.

And they were right. Leader attacked with super-cool ninja moves, hands flashing through the seals for the Kage Bunshin no Jutsu. Instantly, ten clones of Leader surrounded Barney, some holding wire, and others holding shuriken and kunai. In less than five minutes, Barney was tied to a tree, a kunai at his neck. Leader did the totally unexpected and scarred his Akatsuki for life.

He started singing a sick, twisted song.

"I hate you, you hate me, let's get together and kill Barney, put a kunai to his head, oopsadaisy, Barney's dead!" At the 'oopsadaisy', Leader had slid the kunai through Barney's neck viciously, much to his followers' dismay.

Blood did not flow over Leader's hand. _Stuffing_ poured out. White fucking _stuffing_!

The Akatsuki jumped out of the trees.

"NUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Itachi mourned, as the others snapped into action.

"Deidara, quick, get Sasori's needles and thread," Kisame ordered.

**A/N:**

**Yayness! **

**I hoped you had as much fun reading as I did writing.**

**Again, this was based on two of Spirit Hellfire's ideas!**

**-Aes Sedai**


	6. No Way In Hell, Un

**A/N:**

**Here goes. This idea was from Frozen in Flight. Akatsuki play strip poker. Takes place after Sasori's death. But his spirit still lingers...**

**No Way in Hell, Un**

"Ha! Take off your pants, Itachi, un!" Deidara giggled madly, his visible eye curved up in happiness. Itachi glared at the blonde, before removing his pants to reveal… bright pink briefs. "You have got to be kidding me." Kisame deadpanned, as Deidara burst into more peals of laughter, Tobi joining in this time. Hidan muttered something about profanity, and Kakuzu glowered at the game, wishing it was money they were betting. Sasori was laughing in his grave, Zetsu looked like he wanted to eat something (when is black-side voiced this feeling outloud, everyone except for Sir Leader-Sama moved away) and Sir Leader-Sama looked like he was getting a pleasant eyeful.

How this all started, you might ask?

-FLASH BACK-

"_Deidara-senpai!" Tobi panted as he sprinted to catch up to the blonde shinobi in question. "Deidara-senpai, are you a boy or a girl?" _

_Tobi was in no way tactful. Actually, one might go as far to call him blunt beyond reason (not to mention stupid). So naturally, it was he who was chosen by Itachi and Kisame to ask Deidara's gender, an age-long question in the Akatsuki. Because who knew? Deidara _did_ have random mood swings, which could be attributed to PMS-ing, but it could also just be a Deidara thing._

_And then there was the no-breast thing. But he COULD be binding them with Ace-wrap right? And he was unnaturally pretty for a guy (Itachi was manly-pretty. Deidara was just pretty). So they came to a common conclusion-which-really-isn't-one-at-all-because-it's-just-a-course-of-action: Operation Deidara. _

_It was simple – think up as many ways as possible to figure out whether Deidara was a boy or a girl until at least one of them worked. Step One, which they all agreed was the stupidest and would get the asker exploded, probably, was to ask him straight out. Thus the Tobi-asking part._

_Deidara turned to his idiotic, hyperactive partner. "Neither, un." He said coolly, and promptly blew a spider up in the boy's face. The kid shrieked and fled, small cuts and soon-to-be bruises all over his body._

_Steps 2 (catch him naked), 3 (ask Sasori- but then they remembered he was dead), 4 (ask Leader, who gave a shrug and joined in), 5 (bribe him for money – but Kakuzu was being a stingy bastard and wouldn't lend them any), 6 (ask him to strip, to which he answered with a loud, **"NO WAY IN HELL, UN!", **7 (ask Hidan's god, who demanded an unreasonable sacrifice of Leader-sama's life, but personally, everyone just thought Hidan wanted to do the Leader in)… well, they all failed._

_So step 8 was strip poker._

-END FLASHBACK-

What the Akatsuki didn't know was that Deidara's hidden scope-eye could see through things. Like cards.

So when Itachi had a Royal Straight Flush, Deidara had folded, resulting in Leader-sama losing his shirt and Itachi sulking for the next round. But Leader-sama was covered in his Msyterious Black Cloud, so nobody could see him.

The Akatsuki were playing a specialized version of Strip Poker, just so they could get Deidara. The winner could choose who their victim was. And everyone would choose Deidara. But Deidara never lost. He always folded, or won.

Deidara was a tricky bastard. His bluffs were completely un-catchable**(1)** – he was just that awesome. So every time he won, Itachi lost something. And just so you know, Deidara was also a lucky bastard (mixed in with his scope-eye). Judging from the fact that all Itachi had left was his hot-pink briefs, Deidara won a lot (because nobody else would dare terrorize the Uchiha in such a way.)

"Woa, Itachi-kun, your body is fiiine, un." Deidara commented with a snicker, drawing out the 'fine' to irk the almost-naked Uchiha.

The cards were dealt… the cards were exchanged…

'Royal Straight Flush…' Deidara thought, grinning. "I fol- nevermind. I suppose it wouldn't hurt… I do have _all_ of my clothes, unlike SOME people, un." He muttered, voice barely reaching the others. Reverse Reverse Psychology. Just thinking about the logic behind it gives one a headache.

'Yes! Itachi's got that brat now, because the Uchiha has a Straight!' (An unknown fact about Itachi is that he thinks in the third person.)

"Show." Leader commanded (he had folded.)

"Straight!" Itachi yelled triumphantly.

And then his almost-happy-smile was wiped away as a smug smile appeared on Deidara's lips.

"Royal Straight Flush… The briefs, Itachi-kun, un."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!"

There was a blinding white flash.

"I wonder how much I'll get for this picture, Itachi-kun. You're fan club is rather rabid these days, un."

**A/N:**

**(1)Yea, I made up my own word. Either that or I spelt it wrong. But there was a red squiggly line under it.**

**So I hope you liked that. Yeah. It was short. And I haven't updated in forever. Please don't kill me?**

**  
yea, this was Frozen in Flight's idea. **

**Love always,**

**-Aes Sedai**


	7. Dead or Alive

**A/N:**

**This was a nice little challenge from SasoriAddicted.**

**-What happens when the Akatsuki members steal the Leader's 'Mysterious Black Cloud' ?**

**Dead or Alive**

The greatest questions amongst all of the Naruto fans are as follows:

Who the hell is the Akatsuki leader?

Who the hell is Tobi?

Who the hell is Kakashi dating?

… -double takes- WTF?! WHO THE HELL IS KAKASHI DATING? WHO THE HELL ASKS THAT QUESTION!?

I will address the first question. Actually, the Akatsuki members will. This is a **true** story told to me by a reliable source –cough-anAkatsukiwhodoesntwanttheLeadertogranthimaharshpainfuldeaththatnobodywouldenvyeveniftheywerecompletelyandutterlyinsane-cough-.

xXx

The Akatsuki members were baffled. They served an extremely powerful man whose genius border-lined insanity (unlike Itachi, whose doesn't _border-line_ insanity, but **is **insane). So the age-long question of all Akatsuki members, whether they have been part of the notorious (-ly insane) group for eons, or for mere days was the question of Leader-sama's identity. Nobody knew the answer to the question, and ever since Deidara and Itachi joined, the urge to figure it out grew greater and greater.

It was because of Itachi's commanding presence and Deidara's persistence that the two were the ones who set of the chain of events that would later be called the "Stupidest Thing Any Akatsuki Could Do (Because the Leader can beat Itachi into the dust, so what makes you think he can't do the same to YOU? Huh? YEAH! That's right, bitch, you should have thought about that BEFOREhand!)"

When Itachi joined Akatsuki, he refused to speak to Sir Leader-Sama for the duration of five days. He didn't like the Mysterious Black Cloud that hovered around the Leader, and hid his identity from the rest. In fact, it went beyond 'not liking' it. Itachi's feeling towards the Cloud border-lined fearing and despising it with the burning passion of his youth. (Oh. My. God. I did _not_ just use 'burning passion of his youth' in the same sentence as Itachi without someone dying.)

So after the fifth day, Leader began to get seriously annoyed with the stoic Uchiha's silent treatment. And Leader does _not_ like the Cold Shoulder. Especially when it is administered by a tomato-obsessed anti-social bastard whose name means weasel. The Uchiha-Leader conflict came to a dramatic, cheesy-movie style climax in the Common Room on the sixth day.

"Didn't your mother tell you its impolite stare/glare, _Uchiha_?" Sir Leader snapped at Uchiha, who was giving off killer intent through his eyes as he watched the Leader intensely.

"She probably did. But I usually don't take heed of the dead." Itachi responded.

"Oh, I'm so sorry your mother is _dead_, Itachi-kun." Leader sympathized in a voice that conveyed absolutely no genuine sorrow.

"I'm not. I killed her, along with the rest of my clan." Itachi's iron-cold voice held a touch of smugness in it. Everyone but Kisame (who already knew) and Orochimaru (who licked his lips and tried to grab Itachi's ass and only succeeding in getting a huge bruise) backed away, giving the insane Uchiha sideways glances.

"…" Leader wasn't speechless, per say, (he already knew – DUH! That's why he LET Itachi join) but he didn't really have a come back for that one.

"Do you have a problem with me, Itachi-kun?" Leader asked after floundering for a moment.

"Yes. I _hate_ your Mysterious Black Cloud. I WANT TO KNOW WHO YOU ARE!" Itachi yelled.

**This is the first step the eventual obsession with Leader's Mysterious Black Cloud – who _wouldn't_ be curious about something that sets off a genius clan prodigy?**

"I'll fight you, Itachi-kun. If you win, I'll show my identity. If you lose… well, you will dance for me while singing Amazing Grace."

Itachi sneered. "Like you could beat me. Deal."

The two walked out, and the rest followed.

Two minutes later found Sasori brought a flag down and cried, "Begin!"

Itachi rushed at the Leader, becoming a blur that moved so fast that half of the Akatsuki present couldn't follow his movements. Itachi punched Leader hard in the gut, and gripped the front of his robes, staring him straight in the eye.

"Mangek" –

Itachi began, about to unleash his best move against Leader. Unfortunately for him, Itachi was still somewhat new to the technique.

A brilliantly blinding flash of a flash-bomb filled the vicinity, and Itachi shrieked, "MY EYES!" In some strange way that cannot be explained by the dead-tired authoress currently typing this sentence, the blinding light severely conflicted with Itachi's sensitive eyes and caused the Uchiha great pain, thus causing him to lose match as the Leader relentlessly ground the Uchiha into a pile of fine dust.

**This was the second step to the obsession of figuring out Leader's identity. The Leader beat Itachi into pulp. Sure, his method was slightly unorthodox, but he did _win_ didn't he? So who was this powerful shinobi? WHO? GOD DAMMIT TELL ME!**

The next day, at dinner, Sasori took a seat at the piano that had been temporarily moved into the dining room.

"Dance. And sing." Leader smirked as he commanded Itachi.

With a groan, Itachi got smashed. And then he danced. And sang, though unforutantely, being tone-deaf, having a horrible, scratchy voice, and being drunk don't help when you're trying to sing to the best of your abilites. These little facts only served to amuse everyone present even more.

That day forever embedded itself into Itachi's mind as the most embarrassing moment of his young life. Well, it would have, if he hadn't been so drunk that he didn't even remember it (though everyone else giggled at him for two weeks following whenever music played.)

xXx

Deidara's contribution was much simpler. It went something like this:

On the first day, the Akatsuki were gathered in the Common Room. Leader was reading an Icha Icha Paradise book, Itachi was reading of his shoulder, Kisame was reading over both their shoulders, Kakuzu was counting money, Hidan was praying, Sasori was painting a new puppet, Orochimaru was somewhere in Sound molesting Kabuto, and Deidara was eyeing the Leader with something that can only be described as a great, so obsessive-that-it's-scaring-the-Leader look.

"Do I have something on my nose, Deidara?" Leader asked sweetly.

"No, un. It's just that… the Mysterious Black Cloud. I feel like I MUST know who you are."

Everyone who remembered the time Itachi tried to figure it out took a collective, shocked, breath (Itachi included).

Leader shrugged.

"Who are you, un? Who are you, un? Who are you, un?"

**This is the third step towards the new obession.** **Deidara repeated this sentence so many times, in so many places, in so few days, that it wasn't long before every Akatsuki member couldn't sleep because of the little voice muttering in their heads. The voice spoke the same thing, over and over again. "Who is the Leader, un?"**

And then Tobi joined as Zetsu's subordinate, and joined Deidara in asking incessantly.

**This is the fourth step: the Akatsuki had _two _(count 'em, TWO)** **little voices were muttering in their heads at night "Who is the Leader ? (un)."**

xXx

So the Akatsuki devised a plan to learn the Leader's identity. It was very daring, and included Tobi doing all the serious, lose-your-life-if-you-get-caught dirty work.

xXx

It was the Thirty-Sixth of January **(1) **when everyone in Akatsuki was rudely awoken by a high-pitched, inhumane screech, followed by words laced with venom.

"WHO THE HELL STOLE MY MYSTERIOUS BLACK CLOUD?"

And everyone in Akatsuki rolled back over and instantly fell to sleep. Only to be woken up five minutes later by the same thought. 'OMG TOBI SUCCEEDED LEADER IS UNCOVERED!'

And everyone in Akatsuki leapt out of their beds, pulled on their robes, and made to race out their doors, only to be halted at the doors, staring at the notices pinned up.

_**Missing:**_

_**My Mysterious Black Cloud**_

_**Reward:**_

… _**just get it back for me. **_

_**...and consider the fact that you are alive as payment enough.**_

_**Wanted:**_

_**The person who stole it.**_

_**Dead or Alive**_

_**(But preferably alive so I can beat the shit out of them)**_

And everyone in Akatsuki shivered.

But as far as the plan goes, Part One: Success.

And that breakfast, Part Two was successful as well.

Tobi snuck up behind Leader at breakfast and yanked off his hat.

"_TOBI?"_Deidara gasped, pointing a disbelieving finger.

Because underneath the obnoxiously large hat was Tobi. _Tobi_ was the _Leader_. _Tobi_ beat the shit out of Itachi. IT WAS TOBI!

Itachi fainted – he had been whupped by the "Tobi is a _good_ boy" kid? Yes, I'd faint too. I'd also be highly-embarrassed, as was Itachi.

"B… but, who is _that_ then, un?" Deidara managed after five minutes of staring in shock.

"A clone." Leader-Tobi shrugged nonchalantly, as Tobi nodded. "Oh. I want my Mysterious Black Cloud back. And the person who stole it."

Everyone sweatdropped and disappeared (except for Itachi, who stayed on the ground, still out cold).

Two minutes later, they came back with the Cloud and an Iwa-nin (who, they claimed, stole it).

Leader knew it wasn't true, but he had fun torturing the Iwa-nin to death.

xXx

"Thank you for going along with me, Tobi. As a reward for helping me conceal my identity, you may join Akatsuki when the next person…er, passes on." Leader thanked the self-proclaimed Good Boy.

"Thank you, Sir Leader-Sama." Tobi responded with a bow, adding a, "Tobi is a good boy."

xXx

The infamous saying goes, 'Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought it back.' Most people only know the former half. That's okay, because for the latter half was forgotten when the poor Iwa-nin suffered an untimely death – because satisfaction did _not_ bring _him_ back. (Well, techincally, there was not satsifaction, because the Akatsuki didn't really solve the mystery – Leader is not _really_ Tobi, and nobody knows who he _really _is. The Akatsuki learned this some time later, much to their dismay. That's how Sakura managed to kill Sasori - the puppet wasn't feeling in fighting condition because he was depressed that he didn't know Leader's identity.)

**A/N:**

**(1)The Akatsuki don't know dates. Well, they do but Tobi was retelling this part of the story to me, so I had to go by his dates. **

**Again, that was SasoriAddicted's challenge!**

**I hope you liked it!**

**Please review?**

**-Aes Sedai**


	8. Apocalypse Nah

**AN:**

**This idea came to me in a dream. **

**Apocalypse?... Nah**

Naruto sat in his room, glaring at the wall. He was new to Akatsuki – he had just left Konoha after 'escorting' a certain (very, very, _very_ reluctant) Uchiha only to realize that the Council had been praying _he_ would die while bringing said Uchiha back. Of course, he came to the conclusion that the friends he had weren't enough to hold him back. So he left, and sought out Akatsuki, who gladly took yet another insane person into their fold. (Of course, Naruto wasn't aware he was breaking a hole village-full of fangirls' hearts.)

His new partner was Deidara, and Deidara's old partner, Tobi, had been switched back to Zetsu's subordinate, much to the dismay of Zetsu. The rest of the Akatsuki had a party to celebrate. (Whether they were celebrating Naruto's joining or Tobi's demotion, I won't say.) Deidara was overjoyed to have blonde as new partner (a hyperactive one at that), and Itachi and Kisame were overjoyed because it meant they could stop chasing Naruto.

But Naruto was glaring at the wall because he was _bored_. And if you run when Deidara is bored, you use your most handy jutsu to make a quick escape and try to get on the opposite side of the globe from Naruto when he's bored. Unfortunately, all of the Akatsuki were new to Naruto's antics, so none of them quite knew that when Naruto went into 'Emo Brood And Stare At The Wall' mode, it actually meant he was super bored ands thinking up a prank or something utterly strange.

And then when Naruto gets that look in his eyes, and bounces off the bed, that's when you send him on a mission so he can take his hyper/bored-ness to someone else. But Akatsuki didn't because today was that special day when Akatsuki spend their time together. So nobody protested when Naruto and Deidara skipped into the Common Room with their elbows linked together.

"I'm not bored, un." Deidara stated simply, as everyone else sighed with relief.

"But I am." Naruto chirped.

"So we are going to play… a game!"

"…" Itachi sweatdropped.

"…" Kisame sweatdropped.

"…" Both of Zetsu sweatdropped.

"Does it involve money?" Kakuzu sweatdropped just to keep the pattern going.

"…the fuck?" Hidan sweatdropped.

The Leader was too cool to sweatdrop.

"YAY! GAMES! LET'S PLAY, DEIDARA-SENPAI!"

And then the Leader sweatdropped.

"Very well, Naruto-kun, what game do you propose?"

Naruto smiled, his eyes lighting up.

"What Do You Think," Naruto responded instantly.

"So I ask a question, and you tell me what you think will trigger that. Or what you think is a sign of that. Like, if I say 'Itachi is blind, so what do you think?' you would say 'His Mangekyou Sharingan had a major flaw.'"

Itachi swore softly and glared at Naruto.

Everyone else tried to inch out of the room, but since everyone was doing it, everyone got caught at the door. And then Naruto revved up a Rasengan with a maniacal laugh. So everyone sat down and prepared themselves for the worst.

"The Apocalypse is coming, so what do you think?" Naruto asked.

"Sasuke laughed/got laid." Itachi said quietly, as Blond Shinobi and Blond Shinobi Squared both laughed.

"Sasuke actually defeats Itachi." Kisame said instantly.

"… Kakuzu stops hoarding his fucking money." (That was Hidan)

"… Hidan gives up his stupid religion." Kakuzu retorted.

"… Zetsu stops being a cannibal." The Leader put in.

"Feh. The Leader showing us his identity." Zetsu retorted in response to Leader.

"When Naruto-kun says something smart, the world will end, un!" Deidara cried enthusiastically.

"And when Deidara says he hates art, the world will end. Believe it!"

Which ended in everyone looking absolutely confuddled (**1)**

xXx

"My foolish little brother." Itachi murmured, just loud enough for said stupid kid to hear.

"Ha! Itachi," Sasuke _laughed_, "I got laid" – At this point, Sasuke threw a senbon at Itachi, who no longer heard another word, as he fallen to the ground, senbon lodged in his neck.

Kisame, who was hiding in the bushes, fainted, his eyes wide – O.O

xXx

"Hidan, I've decided to stop hoarding cash." Kakuzu declared.

Hidan snorted, retorting, "Feh, and I've stopped fucking practicing my fucking religion-"

Tobi heard no more, for he fell over and fainted with a gasp.

xXx

"Sir Leader-sama, I've decided to stop eating dead humans." Zetsu said calmly, before the Leader.

The Mysterious Black Cloud fled Leader's body in shock, revealing…

Orochimaru.

Zetsu fainted, as did Leader/Orochimaru.

xXx

-le gaspeh-

The Apocalypse is coming! All of those horrid things came true! NUUUUUUUU!!!  
-please hold with the Authoress screams and runs around in a circle-

xXx

Sasuke stopped _choking_, and watched in disbelief as his senbon punctured Itachi's throat and said Uchiha fell over, dead. "… got laid with a brilliant plan of how to defeat you?" He finished with a squeak.

Itachi jumped out of the bushes, and yelled "HOLY CRAP I THOUGHT YOU ACTUALLY GOT LAID!" at the same time Kisame came to and yelled, "HOLY SHIZNITS I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD ITACHI-SAN!"

xXx

"religion – that's a funny one, Kakuzu, tell it again." Hidan finished.

"Because, I've learned that hoarding _checks_ is better." Kakuzu glared, upset at being cut off.

Unfortunately, Tobi was still unconscious so he didn't gain this enlightenment.

xXx

Leader (with his Mysterious Black Cloud) and Zetsu both came to.

"_You're_ Orochimaru?" Zetsu wailed.

"No, I just use his form just incase something like what just happens happened. OO You're going to stop eating humans?!"

"No, let me finish. I'm not going to eat _dead_ humans, because hearing them scream is much more enjoyable."

xXx

Tch, I guess the Apocalypse will have to wait.

**A/N:**

**1 – yesh I made that words up xD**

**If you find mistakes, let me know. --' i was too lazy to check**

**--Aes Sedai**


	9. Secret Secret Santa

**A/N:**

**Yesh, **

**I haven't updated in FOREVER **

**Just don't kill me… and yes, it's short. Sorry!**

**Secret Secret Santa**

Naruto was waving his hands in the air, making wild gestures to Deidara as he explained what Konoha did for Christmas. The blond artist was staring at Naruto, completely captivated and fascinated. Itachi sighed and did an almost-eye roll. But Uchihas don't show emotion, so it was an 'almost'.

"It really wasn't that great…" Itachi commented, bored.

"It got a lot better after you left! Plus, Deidara tells me you guys don't do **anything** for Christmas!" Naruto retorted heatedly.

"Hmm… un, I think we should have a Christmas party here, un!" Deidara exclaimed enthusiastically.

Naruto forgot about being angry at Itachi and grinned. "THAT IS ONE AWESOME IDEA!" And then the two pranced off, leaving Itachi in blessed solitude.

xXx

"Pleeaaasseeee, Kisame?" Naruto begged, on his knees. His blue eyes were wide and sparkling, and Deidara was giving the shark-man his 'puppy-dog look.' Kisame sighed and muttered, "Fine."

He hefted an axe from his hidden weapons store, and Naruto gave him a puzzled look. "Aren't you going to use the Big-Ass Sword?" He asked stupidly.

"_Samehada_" – Kisame put special emphasis on the name – "shaves, not cuts. I'd have to use this here axe."

"Oh." Naruto said, which said 'I see (said the blind man to the deaf man) which pretty much means I have no idea what the difference is' in one word.

And then Kisame proceeded outside, to the marked tree.

xXx

"WHAT THE HELL?" Half of Zetsu shouted in outrage, as he watched Deidara and Naruto drag in the freshly-cut tree.

"You destroyed a tree's life for no reason?"

"Er…" Naruto began, dropping the tree as he scratched the back of his head nervously.

"Kisame did it, un." Deidara supplied quickly, as he and Naruto picked up the tree and rushed off.

Zetsu sputtered in anger, and stalked off.

xXx

"No, no, no! We're supposed to put the bigger ornaments up top?" Naruto's firm order turned into a question as he began to doubt his reasoning.

"Un?" Deidara murmured as he fumbled with the angel.

"Yeah… the bigger ornaments go on the bot – oof!" Naruto was cut off as something pushed him from behind. He flailed his arms, swinging them like a windmill.

"I'm gonna" – and then he fell, knocking the tree over in the process.

"What the, UN?" Deidara had time to yelp as he, too, wobbled and dropped.

xXx

Naruto and Deidara had spent the remainder of the evening creating non-genjutsu disguises. They had then traveled to Konoha in those disguises overnight, for a healing.

Naruto had broken his leg and two ribs, and Deidara his arm.

"Un, Aruto, why did MY arm have to get broken? It's the same one that you guys detached, too!"

Naruto answered with a snicker and a muttered, "Life hates you, Dei."

The two waited as a pretty, pink-haired medic-nin came in to heal them.

**Sakura.** Naruto signed to Deidara.

**Man, she's hot, un!**

Naruto rolled his eyes as Sakura healed his leg and ribs. Deidara yelped as his arm healed.

"At least we get to see the Konoha Christmas party, Dei."

"Un, too bad I- er, Achi had to miss it."

xXx

At the hideout, Itachi sneezed as he opened his Secret Santa gift from the Leader. It was a beautifully wrought katana with his name etched in the hilt.

"Ha, that was classic. We managed to get both Naruto _and_ Deidara out of here!" Kisame chuckled with glee, as he opened his cross-necklace from non other than Hidan.

"It was kind of mean." Tobi remarked somewhat sadly.

Kisame snorted. "It was their fault. We _were_ going to tell them about Secret Santa eventually. Huh, you'd think Deidara would remember."

**A/N:**

**The end.**

**Yesh, it was short.**

**No I did not reread it for mistakes.**

**Sorry.**

**I was rushed.**

**--Aes Sedai**


	10. Sharingan Red, Among Other Things

**A/N:**

**I am soooooo sorry for not updating for forever. Pleeeeasssee forgive meh? –gets down her knees and begs- … and, er, I blame midterms?**

**I can't remember whose idea this was –pokes Reviews-**

**But Akatsuki go to the beach. xD**

**Sharingan Red, Among Other Things**

The Akatsuki were sitting in their Common Room of Awesomeness, when the Leader got an insane look on his face. Now the Leader's 'Ebil Look' can make anyone tremble (Akatsuki members included.) But the Leader's 'Insane Look' will have absolutely no effect on anybody but the Akatsuki – and they will _shake_ with fear, and will feel it in their very bones. Once in a while, they'll run of screaming like little girls, and totally lose their bad-ass reputation until they re-earn it. (Usually by massacring a village or something.)

So on the inside, at that moment, each stoic Akatsuki member was flipping - either mentally shrieking in fear, or mentally banging their heads and cursing the day their father met their mother. Except for Itachi, who (on the inside) looked like Christmas had come early because secretly, he loved all of Leader's crazy ideas.

"I have an awesome idea." Leader said, much to everyone's dismay (again, excluding Itachi).

"We are going to go for a trip. Pack extra clothes and a bathing suit!" Leader yelled, and raced to his room to do so. Only Deidara, Naruto and Tobi cheered. The rest of the Akatsuki (Itachi, Kisame, Kakuzu, Hidan and Zetsu) groaned and dragged their feet all the way to their rooms, and then a good deal more.

"What the hell is going through his fucking mind?" Kisame asked his silent partner. Said partner shrugged. Kakuzu was bitching to Hidan about how much money the trip was going to cost, and Hidan was bitching to Kakuzu about how much God hated Leader at the moment. Neither was listening to the other.

Deidara was skipping and Naruto was skip-hopping. Both were screaming at the top of their lungs. "WE'RE GOING ON A TRIPPERZ WE'ER GOING ON A TRIPPERZ! YAYNESS!!!!!!!!!!!" Zetsu covered his ears in distress, and the Leader merely smirked in that 'I hate you all, (a lot) which is why I'm doing this' kind of way.

Tobi threw up his hands and dashed down the hallway crying, "Tobi is a GOOD BOY!!"

xXx

Ten minutes later found everyone walking down a dirt path, bags slung on the shoulders. "Did you bring games, un?" Deidara asked suddenly, sounding slightly worried. Naruto nodded. They started lagging behind, due to the fact that they were playing Travel Sorry.

"How long is this trip, Leader-sama?" Kisame asked, glaring at the ground darkly. The Leader merely grinned like a maniac, and picked up the pace. "TWO DAYS!" he called back, once he was about fifty yards ahead of everyone. It was a smart move, because everyone (excluding Naruto, Deidara and Tobi) groaned and wished they could throttle _Sir_ Leader-_sama_.

xXx

"We're here!"

"Where's _here_?" Itachi asked shortly.

"Here!" Leader responded, gesturing widely.

Hidan looked miserable. His thoughts, exactly? - _We're at a beach. A friggen beach. In the middle of friggen no where. And I'm friggen hot. And I didn't bring a bathing suit. Jashin _curse_ Kakuzu! He'll gloat now!_

Itachi looked resigned. – _At least it's not somewhere like the _last_ vacation. Gods, it was _cold_! … Damnit, I owe Kisame three hundred ryo. How the frig did he know were were going to a beach?_

Kisame looked triumphant. – _Yes! Itachi owes me three hundred ryo! Go lucky guesses!_

Kakuzu was staring blankly. He wasn't thinking anything.

Deidara and Naruto happened to be thinking the same thing – _A BEACH!... ramen!!!!!!!... Sand is Clay? (un?)_

Zetsu sighed and wandered off to collect seashells, with Tobi in tow. Itachi groaned about the heat and took off his cloak, revealing a bathing suit and hot body. Two hundred or two hundred and one (Kisame wasn't quite sure) immediately swarmed the Uchiha, who immediately used super-cool ninja moves to try to sneak off. Sadly, he failed due to the fact that there were too damn many. Everytime he body-flickered somewhere, he'd just be moving into a whole 'nother group of insane girls.

Hidan laughed, took a picture (which he WOULD be sending to Konoki's Offical Itachi Fan-Girl Club) and began making a mini-sand sculpture of Jashin and a cross. Kakuzu absent-mindedly helped, not realizing that the cross was supposed to be a cross, not a money sign.

Naruto, Deidara, Leader, and Kisame all raced into the water. They were up to their necks, with Naruto drifting further when the blond Kyuubi container remembered he couldn't swim.

He immediately began thrashing and flailing as Kisame laughed at him. Oh Scary Leader-Sama arched an eyebrow and stared, and Deidara clapped. When Naruto disappeared under the water, Deidara started counting.

"One-Mississippi, un. Two-Mississippi,, un. … 34-Mississippi, un." But because of the 'uns', it was really 34 times 2. So basically, Naruto had been under there for a long friggen time, and Deidara was impressed that his partner could hold his breath that long. And it was at about '39-Mississippi, un' that Oh-So-Intelligent Leader-Sama realized Naruto probably _couldn't_ hold his breath that long.

"I don't think Naruto can swim." He stated calmly. "Just throwing that out there."

Kisame sighed, and dove under the water. _Everyone should have gills…_ he thought as he gulped in water. And then he spotted Naruto being dragged off by a mermaid. _WTF? _Kisame began swimming, but his legs wouldn't move. He couldn't think, or yell for help. All he could do was watch the blond shinobi get dragged off by a (hot) mermaid as he slowly sank into darkness…

xXx

"Neh?" Kisame sputtered, as he swung his body out of bed. "Just a horrible, _horrible_ dream… but the three-hundred ryo from Itachi was kind of cool…" And then he saw a half-drowned Naruto in the bed next to him. Kisame suddenly felt weak, and sat back down on the hospital bed.

"Damn, you just _had_ to remember the ryo." Itachi muttered, appearing out of nowhere.

Kisame stared. And stared some more. And stared.

"What?" Itachi finally snapped.

"YOU'RE FRIGGEN REDDER THAN A LOBSTER!" Kisame blurted, and then he fell off the bed with a thump, body shaking in silent, hysterical laughter.

"…" Itachi didn't say anything. But his glower read 'When you heal, you are going to be a DEAD shark!'

"Haa! And.. haaa!. You'd haaa! Think that the fangirls… haha! That were all over you… hahahhahaha! Would shield you from the sun! haahhahahahahha! OMG! You're like, so red, it's **SHARINGAN RED**! HAHAHAHAHAH!"

"And I thought you were a fish! Shouldn't you be able to swim under water? What'd you do, forget to breathe?"

Kisame's face reddened, giving away the answer.

_That shut him up, _Itachi thought smugly.

**A/N:**

**The end.**

**Again, please forgive me!**

**-Aes Sedai**


	11. Movie Night

**A/N:**

**This is someone's idea… Wrath-of-the-ebil-pheonix, to be exact**

**Naruto is not in this one. Sasori and Tobi are. **

**I do not own Naruto, or Netflix. If I owned Naruto, _this_ is what the Manga would consist of. xD**

**I do own Joe, the four-year-old girl, Emma and Mary. **

**Lizz the story-name given to Wrath-Of-Ebil-Pheonix, so she owns herself.**

**Movie Night**

_(The True Story Behind a Demon's Capture)_

"You know what tonight is, un?" Deidara asked dramatically as he waltzed into the kitchen with an imaginary partner. Kisame, Itachi, Sasori, Zetsu, K&H (Kakuzu and Hidan) all shared a 'Oh-My-Friggen-Gid-I-Wish-I-Had-A-Mission' groan. Tobi chirped the answer everyone knew, and most everyone hated.

"Movie Night, Deidara-senpai!" Deidara jumped up in down like a little child, and clapped his hands.

"What are we going to see, Sasori-danna, un?" Sasori shrugged and pointed to the newspaper. "Just choose one, Deidara." Sasori responded in a weary sort of way. The blond shinobi grinned and hopped (literally) over to the paper.

"Hmm…. The Ring…. Jaws……. JAWS! We are going to watch Jaws!" Deidara declared happily, as the others collectively sighed.

xXx

"Nine popcorns, un, a sprite, a coke, three diet cokes … no wait, sorry, un, mak that three sprites, two cokes, a diet coke, and three rootbeers – wait what was that, Sasori-danna, un? – oh, sorry! I lied, what I **really **want is _four_ sprites, _three_ diet cokes, _one_ coke and _one_ rootbeer, un." The lady at the snack bar sweatdropped visibly and motioned a co-worker over. Said co-worker's (whose name just happened to be Emma – yes, Emma as in Operation Orochimaru's Emma!) eye's widened and they immediately set off. Approximately three minutes and thirty-two seconds later, Emma and Lizz (The random name of the other worker) had set a record, and gotten the Akatsuki their stuff.

"Is… that… all?" Lizz asked, punching in the order.

"Nope, un!" Deidara chirped. Lizz and Emma sweatdropped.

"Two sour gummy bears, un." Emma fainted with relief as Lizz got the gummy bears and Deidara fumbled with the money before finally getting the right amount.

"You idiot," a voice sighed. Coming from non-other than Itachi. Lizz spotted him, kicked Emma awake, and pointed. Both of them giggled and sighed after Itachi, and when two people came to relieve the of their shift two minutes later, they entered the Jaws theater.

xXx

"Look, Itachi-san, it's you're newest fan club members," Kisame jibed as the concession-stand girls walked in. Itachi swore under his breath as Kisame burst out laughing.

"SHUTUP! THE MOVIE JUST STARTED, FREAK!" A fat, loud man yelled at Kisame. Tobi let a high, girly laugh at the man (who Kisame had just descended upon, mini-Samehada – the real one had been left at HQ – in hand.)

"What was that?" Kisame asked dangerously, holding Mini-Samehada (aka, kunai) at Joe's (the fat man's new name) neck.

Joe waved his hands, eyes wide in shock. "Dude! No need for any murderin!" Kisame glared and returned to his seat, amidst the giggles of Deidara and Tobi, and the giggling and pointing of Itachi's newest fan-girls (who had someone both squeezed into Kisame's seat, much to Itachi's annoyance.)

With a sigh, Kisame sat behind Deidara.

…

"Hey, are you gonna finish that popcorn?" Deidara asked the guy in front of him.

"Hell, yes!" the guy replied.

"Damn you," Deidara pouted, and chucked a sour gummy at the man.

Deidara moved onto the next guy. With four guys left to annoy in the theatre, Deidara ran out of sour gummys and gave up.

…

_Dudun. Dadun. Dadundadundadun!_

Deidara screamed as the shark rammed into the boat.

_Dudun. Dadun. Dadundadundadun!_

Deidara shrieked again, and yelled "OMG THE SHARK IS COMING AGAIN!" even though nobody was getting attacked – hell, the current scene wasn't even _at_ a beach or at water. Needless to say, Deidara was immediately hit with a gummy worm (from a little four-year-old girl who thought the movie was stupid) and an empty soda cup (courtesy of Joe.)

Kisame leaned back into his seat with a satisfied smirk.

…

Leader got up, walked down the aisle, and stood under the screen. "This move is PATHETIC! P-A-T-H-E-T-I-C!" He yelled, and stormed out the Exit sign, setting of the sprinklers. The little four-year-old girl agreed (though she wasn't quite sure what 'pathetic' meant.)

Tobi dived under a rock and hid from the water.

Kisame giggled and danced in the rain.

Sasori rolled his eyes as Deidara jumped over seats.

Itachi had fallen into a Ninja-Sleep about five minutes into the movie (meaning, he was ready to jump up when is senses told him someone was going to kill him/rape him.) So he stayed asleep, despite the water.

Kakuzu was counting money.

Hidan prayed to Jashin to make the 'rain' stop.

The theatre had been thrown into chaos as random people yelled angrily, and cursed the 'Weird Cloak-Guy who walked out the damned fire-door.'

"ATTENTION! NOBODY PANIC! EVERYONE SIT THE FUCK DOWN!" Everyone looked to the speaker (who was under the screen) and the father of the four-year-old covered her ears.

"The rain will ONLY stop if you all convert to my religion NOW! Obey Jashin, gain his favor by making at least one human sacrifice a month and one virginal sacrifice every two years, and you will be fucking SAVED."

"DOES THAT MEAN YOU SACRIFICE HUMANS?" Some girl – Mary, her name was – shrieked.

"Uh, duh, did I not just fucking say that was how to fucking get Jashin-sama's favor?" Mary was joined in her screaming by everyone, as everyone ran out of the theatre, yelling random things like 'I want my money back!' and 'That was the WORST movie ever!' and 'I LOVE COWS!' and 'I'm sticking with NetFlix!'

Emma and Lizz latched onto Itachi, who woke with a start. "Damnit!"

"Save us, Hot-guy!" Emma and Lizz screamed, refusing to let go.

Then Gaara walked into the movie theatre, completely confused.

"KAZEKAGE-SAMA WHO I HAVE TOTALLY JUST FALLEN IN LURVE WITH!" Emma yelled, and glomped Gaara.

"BLOND PERSON WHO I HAVE TOTALLY JUST FALLEN IN LURVE WITH!" Mary yelled, and glomped Deidara.

Gaara, Deidara, and Itachi shared a 'Holy-Fuck' look, and all three bolted. Itachi managed to free himself of Lizz as he transported back to the HQ, but Mary and Emma somehow kept hold of Deidara and Gaara, respectively.

"Quick!" Deidara yelled, grabbing Gaara's hand and transporting to HQ.

_Then _Mary and Emma were left behind.

xXx

"And that is the TRUE story of how Deidara caught Gaara and the Shukaku," Aes Sedai (That's meh!) ended on a dramatic note.

**A/N:**

**THE END!**

**Review please!**

**xD**

**-Aes Sedai**


	12. The Mall

**A/N:**

**Yeah, that's right. Chapter 12 – At long last. o Please don't kill me?**

**This was a request from Mai-Dei! Cheers!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. I think its clear what would happen if I did. –insert maniacal laughter here-**

**Opposite Day**

Deidara ran into the kitchen at full speed – well as fast as one could go backwards, that is. Itachi looked up from his donut, rose an irritated eyebrow, and went back to reading a scroll. Kisame didn't bother with subtleties – he rolled his eyes, muttered "baka" and returned to ignoring Deidara.

Sasori, Deidara's partner, and, as Deidara saw it, the only person who understood him was also the only person who did exactly what Deidara wanted. And what Deidara wanted was someone to ask him what the he was doing.

"Deidara. Explain. _Now_," Sasori demanded with a somewhat resigned sigh – he knew he was playing right into his partner's plan, but as long as it shut the blond up and kept (s)him from doing stupid things, well…

"It's _not_ Oppisite Day, nu!" Deidara chirped, winking. His words, oh so _obviously_, translated into 'It's Oppisite Day, un!"

"I'm not going to even ask," Kisame muttered.

"What's that Shark-san? You _don't_ want to know what it _isn't_, nu? No! I _won't_ tell you! Oppisite Day is _not_ when you do everything backwards, nu!" Deidara grinned, having outsmarted the shark (or at least, in his primitive mind, this is what he believed he did).

Itachi buried his face in the scroll with groan.

"… I hate you, Deidara. You make my life a misery." Itachi muttered. But since it was opposite day, Deidara got this message: I love you Deidara. You make my life soooo happy.

"Why _not-_thank you, Itachi, nu! I'm not sorry, I just _do_ roll that way," Deidara chirped. (Translation, you might ask? 'Why thank you, Itachi. I'm sorry, I just don't roll that way.')

Just then, the Oh-So-Mysterious Leader-sama with his Oh-So-Mysterious Black Cloud entered the room. "MY DEARS! We are going to go to the MALL!" Leader-sama screeched.

Deidara soon joined in, yelling, "NOOOOOO! I DON'T WANT TO GO, NU!"

Leader eyed Deidara angrily.

Deidara decided now was a good time to end Opposite Day.

"Uh… you see, today was opposite day, un. But I'm done with that. It's so two seconds ago, un!"

Leader nodded.

And the Akatsuki members proceeded to stuff themselves into a car as they drove off to the closest mall.

xXx

Deidara grabbed Sasori by the hand and dragged him off into different stores. Sasori forced the others to come with him. He also coerced them into hiding the Candy Store from Deidara. Unfortunately, it didn't work, so Sasori was forced to unleash a candy-high Deidara on the innocent peoples of the mall. It was sad, because nobody knew the immediate danger they faced. Leader-sama, Kisame, Itachi, Kakuzu, Hidan, and Zetsu did. And they promptly fled.

Leader-sama paired off with Zetsu, and they ran into a manga store where Zetsu began eating books (and people), and leader looked at the witty key-chains hanging from racks. They said all sorts of things – his favorite of which said, "Trust your crazy ideas." Another of which said "Pssshaw, flying is easy. You just throw yourself at the ground and miss."

Which Leader-Sama-Sir-Person promptly did. Only, he couldn't figure out how to miss. It was frustrating, and he soon stalked to the roof of the building, and threw himself off. Because it would probably be easier to miss the ground if he threw himself at it from higher up, right? NBC, CNN, ESPN, and the rest of those news channels (whether they related to a suicide attempt or not) came to investigate.

When Sir-Leader-sama got up, brushed himself off, completely unhurt but looking highly disappointed, everyone shared a collective gasp.

"Sir! Sir! Why did you jump off the building!" A man asked, holding his microphone up the Leader.

"I was trying to fly!" Leader whined. At their puzzled looks, he flapped his hands like a bird, and hopped on one foot. "F-l-y! You know? FLY!"

"He's insane! Jumped off the deep end! A few cards short of a full deck!" Someone whispered.

xXx

Kisame paired off with Itachi, who dragged the shark to the best stores – Abercrombie, J. Crew, American Eagle, the Lint Chocolate store, Limited2, Old Navy, the Gap, Sharper Image (they spent an hour in the chairs).

Itachi didn't buy much, but he tried on some of the cutest outfits. People sent him odd looks, and once Itachi lost his temper. "HAVEN'T YOU EVER SEEN A MAN DRESSING IN WOMAN'S CLOTHES BEFORE?" He screeched at them, and started growling at people.

Everyone fled the shop. A kind man in a uniform carrying a gun escorted Itachi out.

xXx

Hidan and Kakuzu when to the top floor. Kakuzu pushed Hidan out the window with an angelic smile. Kakuzu was arrested.

Hidan came crashing down, landing next to Leader-sama. He created a small crater on the sidewalk. "'Lo, Leader-sama," he muttered.

"Hidan, you idiot, get up!" Hidan got up. Thus, the people saw the second miracle.

"Sir,! That was amazing! How did you not die!"

"_Die_?" Hidan snorted. "Like hell I'd ever fucking die. I've been trying to kick the fucking bucket for years but my fucking God won't let me fucking die for some fucking reason."

The people were astonished. "Who is your god, sir? This is a miracle! We must know the name of the miracle-worker!"

"My fucking God? You don't even fucking _know_ him? His fucking name is Jashin, fuckers. And why the fuck do you care? All of you fuckers are going to hell any fucking way, so get the fuck over it," Hidan spat.

"And anyways, every fucker has to make fucking offerings to Jashin-sama, and you fuckers wouldn't have the stomach for it." Hidan grabbed a girl. "She fucking seems like a fucking virgin," he proclaimed, "And it's been a fucking year since I've sacrificed a virgin to Jashin-sama. I think I might sacrifice this fucker before Jashin fucks _me._"

Leader fwapped him. Hidan flailed and poked Leader. Thus, a poking/fwapping session ensued.

xXx

At the lair, Tobi turned on the TV.

"Amazing things occurred at the mall today!" A reporter's voice said. "Today, a crazy, blonde-haired man wearing a black coat with red clouds (it's the symbol of an Insane Asylum for drastically effected patients. If you see any of these people, RUN.) Calling himself, 'Un' the man, he successfully scared 50 percent of the shoppers out of the mall.

Another man with the weirdest head ate 10 percent of the people at the mall. He has been locked away, I assure you!

A third man jumped off the roof, claiming he wanted to fly. Amazingly, he was completely fine and suffered minor injuries. Here we have him, from before."

At this point, a clip of Leader-Sama falling from the sky, and then whining at the reporters was shown.

"THAT'S LEADER-SAMA AND DEIDARA-SENPAI AND ZETSU-PERSON!!!" Tobi cried gleefully.

"A fourth man," the reporter continued, "was cross-dressing in all of the most fashionable stores, and was hauled off to join his friends after an unusually venomous display of temper. The people feared he was going to kill them.

Another man fell from the top floor, though he wasn't even injured at all. His 'partner' pushed him after they had a lovers' dispute-"

"WAIT, HIDAN AND KAKUZU WERE DOING IT?" Tobi yelled to nobody in particular.

"-but the man claims to be immortal. His god, Jashin, refuses to let his prophet die."

They showed a clip of Hidan trying to convert the reporters. There were lots of 'bleeps' and people looked to be on the verge of throwing up.

"And blue man with a huge fuzzy sword killed 30 percent of the people in the mall, and an puppet (who acts oddly like a human) knocked out the shark-man and dragged him off. Needless to say, all of the Akatsuki (that's the name of their Insane Asylum) have been locked away. If you are related to any of them, please come by the Hospital for Mentally Deranged People and pick them up."

xXx

"You're related to them," the attendant said flatly.

"Yes." Tobi said, sweat-dropping under his mask.

"All eight of them."

"Yes, ma'am."

"Good, now get them off our hands. The silver-haired one's been cussing at us all night and demanding a virgin to volunteer herself to be sacrificed, the red-eyed one has scared everyone shitless, the blonde one's frigging annoying, and the rest are almost as annoying as the blond. Except for the Puppet. Leave the puppet here. We like him."

"I'm afraid I cannot, ma'am. I have to bring them all home."

"Damn."

Tobi's way with words made him the hero of the day.

(And then the apocalypse came, because Tobi, Hero, and implying he was intelligent should never be in the same sentence, without sarcasm at least.)

**A/N:**

**The end.**

**You may kill me for not updating, now.**

**-Aes Sedai **


	13. D'Easter Bunny

**A/N:**

**Sorry I haven't updated in a while.**

**Here goes! It's kind of not very good, sorry. :( **

**--HAPPY EASTER!--**

**D'Easter Bunny**

In a house full of nutters who also happen to be S-class criminals, Hidan always wakes up first. He wakes up at exactly 5:59, just as the sun peeks over the horizon. His room is on the east side of the house, and his window faces the east for exactly this purpose.

The first thing Hidan does as he wakes is stare at the sun as it rises over the horizon, for approximately six minutes. He then scans his room for any traps – he and Kakuzu have a friendly partner-rivalry (or not so friendly) – and this leads to them playing slightly nasty tricks on each other when they least expect it.

This morning, Hidan woke up at 5:59. The sun's rays outlined a silhouette in his window that blocked Hidan's normally picture-perfect view of the rising sun. The silhouette was of… a bunny? Yes, Hidan wasn't mistaken – it was a bunny, wearing a taunting grin complete with floppy ears.

"THE _FUCK?_" Hidan yelled, as he threw the kunai concealed under his pillow at the bunny. The kunai sailed over the bunny's head (because the bunny had ducked – not because of Hidan's aiming, which was actually quite good). Popping back up in the window, it giggled – yes, _giggled_ – at Hidan and tossed a basket through the window.

'What the _fuck_ was that?' Hidan thought darkly. Another trick of Kakuzu's? 'Not likely. That bastard goes for the kunai-flying-at-your-face-when-you-wake-up kind of traps,' Hidan thought sourly. He almost preferred one of those traps to _this_.

Crawling out of bed, he walked over to the basket and rummaged through its contents.

A clay figurine of Hidan with a stake through his heart (which completely gave away the bunny's identity), a card, and a ton of candy.

_-Dear Hidan-san,_ the card read, _Happy Easter, un! Uh… hope I didn't scare you. Totally didn't mean to, un!_

_Love Always,_

_Deidara_

If he couldn't figure it out before, it was obvious now. The bunny that had scared the living shit out of him was merely Deidara in a costume. 'Jashin, that kid is going to _die_!... Note to Self: Never inform Deidara of any upcoming holidays.'

xXx

Itachi was always second to wake up. He woke up at exactly 6:03 – if he was woken up any earlier, he would be pissed for the following three hours. _Very_ pissed.

At exactly 6:02:59, something hopped onto his bed, and woke him up. Opening his eyes, which were blurry from sleep, the first thing he saw was a white, grinning face peering into his own. Itachi couldn't help it. He was used to waking up to shinobi trying to kill him, Kisame, and all the other things shinobi have the misfortune to wake up to (especially missing-nins). But _nothing_ prepared him for a _giant bunny_.

The Great Uchiha Itachi, murderer of his clan, an S-Ranked criminal in the Bingo Books of every great Shinobi village, a psycopath who had the blood of hundreds on his hands, let out a strangled, high-pitched _shriek_ which caused the bunny to hop back in surprise.

"Holy shit, un!" The bunny yelped. If it's annoying, grinning expression could change, the bunny's face would have been alarmed. Very alarmed. "You're freaking _scary_ when you wake up, Itachi-san, un!"

Itachi merely gave the boy his best death glare and a couple of kunai. Deidara had woken him up _before_ 6:03, and now he was pissed at him. Unfortunately, the kunai missed Deidara and pinned the basket he was holding to the wall.

The bunny stared wide-eyed at Itachi, the kunai, and the basket. It disappeared quickly in a puff of ninja smoke. (Which was a good thing, or the bunny would've been dead in exactly one and a half seconds later, as a kunai flew through where it had been standing.)

xXx

Deidara decided not to wake anyone else up. His 'Happy Easter!' idea had turned out to be a dance with death, so he went for the 'leave the basket in the room and RUN!' ploy.

Which he proceeded to do with Zetsu, Tobi, and Sasori-danna. He didn't dare enter Leader-sama's room. _Nobody_ entered Leader's room without permission and came out unscathed. (The last person who tried was Tobi, at Deidara's urging. Leader-sama failed to kill the annoying kid, much to Deidara, Itachi, Hidan, Kakuzu and Kisame's disappointment. Zetsu later beat Deidara up. Sasori had no comment on the matter. Tobi was unconscious for a week following the event.)

All he had left was Kisame – and Deidara had something _very_ special planned out for the shark. Climbing out of the bunny-suit, Deidara left an animated clay bird inside. The bird clumsily got itself, the bunny, and the basket into Kisame's room.

Bending down next to Kisame's bed, Deidara yelled "HAPPY EASTER,UN!" in his ear, and then leapt into the closet. Kisame woke with a start, and drew Samehada. Shinobi instincts caused him to chuck a kunai at the foot of his bed. The kunai pierced the bunny-suit and hit the clay bird.

'3, 2, 1, UN!' Deidara thought gleefully. At 'UN!', the bunny blew up in Kisame's room (destroying the basket).

"DEIDARA, YOU IDIOT!" Kisame roared.

Said Akatsuki member skipped out of the closet and giggled. "Art – er, Easter is a bang, un!" he proclaimed, and fled the room.

Kisame sank back into his bed, and put his head in his hands.

Deidara had blown half of his room, and he hadn't even got an Easter basket.

All he had a was an Easter Bunny. A blown up, _dead_ bunny. A D'Easter bunny.

**A/N:**

**Sorry its so short. I kind of don't like it but, yeah. x.x; It was all I could think up at the moment. **

**Cookies for anyone who got D'Easter Bunny before I said it. O.o **

**Review, please?**

**- Aes Sedai **


	14. Fall

**Chapter: **Fall

**Summary: **Itachi helps Tobi get his first kiss with the shinobi who he fell in love with. In return, the object of Tobi's affection helps Itachi fall. Off a cliff. A _tall_ one.

**Rating: **T (for Hidan's mouth)

**Word Count: **778

**AN: **Yeah… sorry for the lack of update. x.x Please don't kill me.

-.-.-.-.-

Tobi giggled to himself as he watched the blonde brush out long, flowing hair. He smiled longingly as the blond hair was tied up into a high pony-tail, and the hitai-ate was fastened around the shinobi's pale forehead.

The ninja hummed to their self, as they laid on the grass the clearing, chewing on a piece of grass. The shinobi was completely entranced by the book that lay in front of them.

Tobi cocked his head as he heard footsteps approaching. '_Itachi-san and Kisame-san must be sparring,_' he thought, as metal clanged against metal, and someone cursed. '_Has to be. They're the only team that doesn't yell at each other while sparring_.'

Usually, one could distinguish Kakuzu and Hidan's spars through yells of "Hey, you immortal-pretty boy, I've got a present for you!" or "Hey you fucktard, Jashin-sama'll smite you!"

Leader-sama's battles lasted about five minutes with everyone but Itachi. It usually went something like , "HOLY FUCKING SHIT!" and then dead silence as Leader-sama walked off, his opponent unconscious on the ground.

Bleeding.

Usually quite heavily, from various gashes. Itachi managed to get off with one or to scrapes, and was usually conscious (somewhat) after their spars.

Zetsu didn't spar. He hid in the foliage and laughed at his opponent.

Tobi and Deidara's battles usually included the, "Art is a bang, yeah…" and the "DEIDARA-SENPAI! THAT WAS SOOOO COOL!" … and "Tobi…," complete with a sweatdrop.

Of course, since no one was yelling (or laughing) Tobi decided it was safe to assume that Itachi and Kisame were sparring. His attention was immediately drawn back to the shinboi in the clearing as a kunai whizzed through the bushes, aiming straight for his crush.

"TOBI'LL SAVE YOU!" he shriekd as he jumped from his spot in the bushes and knocked the kunai aside in a dramatic leap that landed him right next to the shinobi, just as said shinobi twisted to catch the kunai.

Itachi cursed slightly as he stumbled into the clearing, back first, dodging Kisame's Samehada. Backing up, he tripped over Tobi, pushing him closer towards the shinobi…

Tobi's lips pressed against Deidara's, as the artist's eyes widened in shock.

"SQUEEEEE! I FINALLY HAD MY FIRST KISS WITH DEIDARA-SENPAI! IT'S A DREAM COME TRUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Tobi screeched. Itachi, on his feet once more, cast a glance at the 'couple'.

His look held amusement… In fact, it looked like Itachi was going to break out in laughter – a very un-Itachi like thing to do.

Kisame settled for guffawing in a very Kisame-like way.

Deidara moaned, red-faced with shame. '_You'll pay for that, Red-eye.'_

-.-.-.-.-

Itachi stood on the edge of the cliff, his hair blowing in the wind as he lifted his chin towards the sky. _'I am Pocahontas, daughter of the Chieftain…' _the psychopath, cold-blooded murder thought blissfully. Someone stifled a giggle – to all appearances, Itachi had a secret stalker hiding in the bushes.

'_Yes… _feel_ like Pocahontas. I _am_ Pocahontas!_' Itachi continued long this line of thought for about five more minutes, completely unaware of his watcher. _'I have the hair… but maybe I'll get the Indian robes she wears next time I go into town… yes…' _

'Pocahontas's' hair flew into 'her' face as the wind shifted directions.

And then 'she' got do something the _real_ Pocahontas _never_ did: fly.

Deidara leapt out from his hiding place in the bush and pushed Itachi off the cliff. Serenely, Itachi lifted his arms and flapped them. "I'm FLYYIIIIIINGGGGG!" He screeched, voice accompanied with a giggle of delight. His un-Itachi-like words echoed throughout the valley.

-.-.-.-.-

"_I'm flyyyyiiinnnng!_" –giggle– reached the ears of six Akatsuki members who were currently playing a very enticing game of 'Spoons'. They heard the shriek and giggle as Leader-sama (who had just cheated and got the fourth 6 via trading secretly with Deidara) reached for a spoon.

The yells elicited six responses.

Kisame's expression was one of utter shock and disbelief. "Is that _Itachi-san_?"

Tobi broke into peals of laughter, gasping for breath.

The black half of Zetsu muttered, "… the hell?" as the white half giggled to itself.

Hidan blinked. "_The fuck? _Nobody can fucking fly but Jashin-fucking-sama! God-damn you people! Just get that through your fucking heads!"

Kakuzu muttered something along the lines of, "If he dies, I'm keeping his share of money."

Leader-sama remained stony-faced because he was too cool to react. Exactly five seconds after everyone else's reaction, he started rolling on the floor, clutching his stomach. He gasped in silent giggles as five people inched away from him, fear on their faces.

-.-.-.-.-

As Deidara caught Itachi on his clay bird, he could've sworn he heard the stoic Uchiha murmur, "I, Pocahontas, can _fly_."

* * *

End. –grin–

Pocahontas… ah, I loved that girl. xD

Review please… don't kill me? I know it was very short. oo;

Aes Sedai-


	15. Anti Cult Cult

**A/N:**

**This fic goes to **Utsukushi-Mayonaka **whose idea it was f****or the insane idea of having an Anti-Jashin cult. :D **

**Dialogue fic, featuring non-other than the profane Hidan and an OC. **

**Note: S p a c i n g o u t t e x t indicates speaking extremely slowly. You'll understand. I hope. Kudos if you do.**

**Anti-Cult Cult**

"And that is why _all _of you fuckers are going to fucking hell. End of fucking story. Enough fucking said. You have my permission to cry your fucking selves to sleep. I'm fucking leaving."

"Excuse me, sir! Wait up!"

"What the fuck do you want now?"

"Well, sir, I wanted to know if you wanted to join my Anti-Jashin Cult!"

"I do _not_ fucking want to join a fucking cult against my cult! That's fucking _stupid!_"

"Well, I like to think of it as an Anti-cult cult!"

"The _fuck_? How does that fucking _work_? A fucking _cult_ against _cults_. That's fucking hidocritical!"

"Sir, I think you're trying to say 'hypocritical'."

"Shut the fuck up!"

"So, Mr. Insane Cult Man, are you quite sure you don't want to join the Anit-Cult(Jashin)Cult?"

"Get the fuck away from me!"

"Mmm…. Sorry, I don't speak the language you're speaking."

"The fuck?"

"Don't say 'fuck'. It's vulgar."

"Who the hell are you?"

"Mayusi, sir, at your service."

"… are you fucking mocking me?"

"Whyever would you think that, Oh Akatsuki-Sama-Person!?"

"… fuck."

"Sorry, sir, I don't speak Jashidanese."

"_Jashidanese!_ What the fuck!"

"Oi, well, I'll give it a try. H-e-l-l-o, H i d a n…. M y n a m e i s M a y u s i… d o y o u u n d e r s t a n d m e? O h a n d I w o u l d w a t c h o u t f o r t h a t d o o r i f I w e r e y o u. W o u l d n 't w a n t y o u t o r u n i n t o i t!"

"Fuck you."

"I'd rather you didn't."

"… go die."

"I'd rather not."

"Stupid, annoying bitch."

"Look on the bright side. At least I'm not Kakuzu?"

"At this rate, I'd rather you _we – _ARGH!"

"Oh, come on, it couldn't have hurt that bad."

"A _metal weight_ just fell on my fucking head and I all I fucking _did_ was open a fucking door!"

"I extend my sincerest sympathies, sir. And, not to rub it in or anything, but I _did _warn you... and besides, it was only supposed to be a bucket of water. Nothing harmful. It's the thought that counts, right?"

"I'm sure your very sinc – wait WHAT?! _You_ put that fucking weight there?!"

"Look on the bright side! Eheh… uh, it won't happen again if you join my Anti-(coughJashincough) Cult Cult!"

"Fuck no! I fail to see a fucking 'bright side' when an annoying, bratty, stupid, and did I mention annoying girl wants me to join a fucking cult against Jashin-sama"

"… Sir, I think you're over-reacting."

"OVER-REACTING? Are you fucking _insane_? Joining a cult against Jashin-sama is pretty much asking to spend the whole fucking eternity in hell!"

"With all due respect, sir, I'm pretty sure you're going to hell anyway."

"Are you asking for death, girl?"

"Shit, did I say that outloud? Ehe… what I meant, of course, was that I'm pretty sure _I'm_ going to hell anyway…? Teehee…?"

"Somehow, I highly doubt that, bitch."

"A…are you doubting my angelic-like innocence?"

"Are you fucking _crying_?!"

"Y-you hurt my feelings…"

"WHAT THE FUCK?!"

"I-I only w-wanted y-you to join m-my cult 'c-cause I thought i-it'd be cool to h-have you i-in it…"

"…"

"H-honestly."

"… fine. I'll fucking join if you stop crying."

"YAY!"

"… Fuck. Please tell me I did not just say I'd join you cult."

"You did!"

"Damn… I should probably just fucking kill myself right fucking no – ARRGGGHH!"

"Teehee…?"

"Girl. Did you put that fucking weight on that fucking door?"

"Er… no? The door just… uh, slid underneath the weight… Well, kaythanksforjoiningIthinkI'lltakemyleavenow,byebyeHidan-sama!"

"GET THE FUCK BACK HERE SO I CAN FUCKING SACRIFICE YOU!"

**A/N:**

… **yay. Dialogue fics are fun. :D**

**- Aes Sedai**


	16. Mourning the Morning, Part 1

**Name: **Mourning the Morning Part One

**Characters:** Akatsuki, duh.

**Rating**: K+

**Summary**: In which Sir-Leader!sama dies.

**Author's Rants:** … bleh. This one goes out to …. MinoryRules! For having such a kick-ass idea! … and… yeah!

* * *

When Itachi woke up that morning, he felt something was wrong. _Very_ wrong. Of course, everything is wrong when it concerns the Akatsuki, so Itachi heeded not his bad feeling, and proceeded to dress and go down to the kitchen to eat.

Four hours later, Itachi wished he had heeded his 'bad' feeling.

Kisame was still sleeping.

Deidara was still sleeping.

Hidan was still sleeping.

Sasori, Kakuzu, Zetsu, and Itachi were impatiently waiting for Leader-sama to wake their partners up in a very… erm, _lovely_ fashion. Which usually included a giant boomerang, water balloons, weights, doors, all of which was generally followed by a fair amount of cursing, and, of course, the "AIIE! I'M UP, YEAH!" – courtesy of Deidara.

It was the highlight of the four Akatsukis' mornings. Itachi, Sasori, Kakuzu, and Zetsu always woke up before their partners (excluding Zetsu, who doesn't have a partner. He's just there for the fun). Usually, at around seven A.M, the show began.

It was 10:17:03 A.M, there was no show, Itachi was pissed and coffee-deprived, Sasori was snoozing, Kakuzu was counting money, and Zetsu was arguing with himself. The four-some, in short, were _bored_. And deprived of their morning entertainment.

At 10:17:06, Itachi spoke more than one word, and the apocalypse happened.

…

Just kidding.

"We should wake up Leader-sama. This… is unnatural."

"I agree with Itachi."

"I don't think that's a very good idea, Itachi-san. _It is a marvelous idea, Itachi-san. You should go and wake up Leader-sama_."

"… 5,600 ryo… 5,601 ryo…. 5,6- Agh! You made me lose count, idiots!"

"…You mortals are cranky without your morning entertainment!"

"…And you aren't, puppet?"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"… 67 ryo …"

---

And that was how the four found themselves in front of Leader-sama's door.

"Open it, Itachi!" Kakuzu hissed.

"…why."

"Because, we voted that you should. _And that way, you can suffer the consequences if Leader-Sama gets angry_."

"Fine, if Itachi won't, Sasori should do it."

"Oh, just pick on the puppet, why don't you," Sasori muttered.

"Anytime, buddy," Kakuzu grinned, and clapped Sasori on the shoulders.

Sasori eyed him icily, and knocked on the door.

…

Silence greeted their ears.

He knocked again. More silence.

Itachi rolled his eyes impatiently, and burned the door down.

---

The horrified screams of three people and a puppet woke Deidara from his slumbers. '_Woah, Leader-sama didn't beat me awake, yeah._' He winced when one unnamed red-and-black-eyed Akatsuki member's scream rose to a high-pitched shriek. '_Ugh, I think I prefer Leader-sama's methods, yeah._'

Rolling out of bed, the young Akatsuki member dressed and went to shut the Uchiha up.

---

"Sir Leader-sama is _dead_?" Kisame yelled at the rest of the Akatsuki members. The eight live people in the room shuffled away from the bed, and the dead Leader.

Deidara sniffled, and clung to Tobi. Tobi cried and clung to Deidara.

"… well fuck," Hidan muttered.

"We should vote on a new leader. _Someone mentally stable…_"

The others nodded, and Deidara insolently added, "That means Itachi is automatically out. You to, Zetsu, yeah," with a snicker.

Zetsu glared at the blonde, before continuing.

"So, we'll all have to vote on a new Leader-sama." Everyone nodded again.

"Feh, I wonder who Leader-sama _really_ is, yeah," Deidara wondered aloud, blatantly ignoring Zetsu.

Eight pairs of eyes focused on Leader-sama's body as Itachi inched towards it. Everyone held a collective breath as Itachi flipped Leader-sama over and dispelled the Black Cloud.

Half of Zetsu smirked knowingly, as the other half gaped.

Kakuzu's eyes widened in shock, and for once, all thoughts of money fled from his mind.

Hidan cursed in surprise.

Kisame floundered like a fish.

Deidara was wide-eyed with shock, and was dead silent (for once.)

Tobi screamed.

Sasori _shrieked_.

… and the Great Uchiha Itachi, master of the Mangekyou Sharingan, Tormenter of Little Brothers… gasped and fainted.

**Dundundun… TO BE CONTINUED! **

**A/N:**

**Bwa! What an evil cliffie. xD … Nope, you can't kill me for obvious reasons.**

**But if you feel the need to cause bodily harm, go ahead and hunt down my beta, Lone Bird. xD**

**Aes Sedai- **


	17. Mourning the Morning, Part 2

**Name: **Leader-sama's Identity Revealed?

**Characters: **Akatsuki, duh. Perhaps with a touch of Sesshy and Rin

**Rating:** K+

**Summary:**Leader-sama's identity revealed! Sesshomaru appears! A new Leader is chosen! Is it a prank? Or is Leader-sama REALLY …

**Author's Rant:** ::giggle:: Uhm, sorry for the loooooonnnggggg delay! I swear, it wasn't on purpose. Honestly. **Disclaimer: **Though I'd like to say I do, I do NOT own Naruto, any dinosaurs mentioned, or Inuyasha. ::runs off to sob in a corner::

* * *

--Last time…--

_Half of Zetsu smirked knowingly, as the other half gaped. _

_Kakuzu's eyes widened in shock, and for once, all thoughts of money fled from his mind._

_Hidan cursed in surprise._

_Kisame floundered like a fish._

_Deidara was wide-eyed with shock, and was dead silent (for once.)_

_Tobi screamed._

_Sasori _shrieked.

… _and the Great Uchiha Itachi, master of the Mangekyou Sharingan, Tormenter of Little Brothers… gasped and fainted. _

_-_

The seven conscious Akatsuki members shared a horrified look.

"_Billybobjoecladharris the Thirty-Eighth? _**(1)**" Sasori exclaimed in a strangled voice, as Kisame added, "aka_, BARNEY?!_"

Everyone shrieked in horror.

All thoughts of choosing a new leader fled from each person's mind as Itachi woke from his state of unconsciousness. He groaned as he came too, muttering to himself. Slowly, he pulled himself to his feet and leaned heavily on Kisame.

"Hn. Kisame, I could've sworn Leader-sama was Billybobjoecladharris the Thirty-Eighth, also known as Barney. Kami, that's the WORST dream I've EVER had."

Kisame blinked. "Er… Itachi…" He trailed off, settling for pointing at the body of Barney. Itachi followed Kisame's finger, and felt faint at the sight of the ex-leader.

"Damn, I was hoping it was all a horrible, horrible dream…" Itachi sighed.

-

"Right, so, we need a leader. _One that isn't a pansy, is strong, isn't a retard, isn't insane… etc. etc,_" Zetsu said matter-of-factly.

The Akatsuki members looked at each other.

"So, do we nominate someone, un?"

"Yes. _Obviously._"

"But they should be strong, un."

"Yes. _No shit, Sherlock._"

Everyone began wracking their brains for a candidate.

"I nominate Itachi-san," Kisame said after a good five minutes of hard thinking.

"NO!" four voices yelled at once. Itachi glowered at the group, his expression clearly reading, 'why the hell not?'

"Itachi isn't quite the kind of shinobi we're looking for. _And he's insane. Idiots,_" Zetsu said smoothly, trying to placate Itachi (in his own, twisted way.)

Ten minutes passed. Kisame played with a cup of water. Itachi read a book. Sasori started painting. Tobi fell asleep. Hidan and Kakuzu were engaged in a heated argument. Deidara… was laying on his stomach, fingers against the floor in deep thought. The end of his girlish ponytail was in his mouth, and he chewed as he thought. Zetsu joined with Joey, the potted plant in the corner.

Twenty more minutes passed. Kisame was staring at the ceiling. Itachi was still reading. Sasori had finished his (rather masterful) painting, and was touching up his puppets. Tobi was snoring away. Hidan and Kakuzu were still arguing. Deidara was on his stomach, leaning on his elbows, face in hands. Zetsu was conversing with Joey and the hanging plant called Teli.

Four hours later found Kisame slumped over Itachi, sleeping against the stoic Uchiha. Said Uchiha was leaned against the wall, eyes closed in a light sleep. Tobi was drooling a bit. Sasori staring at everyone with a creepy look in his eye. Hidan occasionally sent baleful looks at Kakuzu, who returned them with equal amounts of killer intent. Zetsu sat between the two partners.

Deidara… shrieked with glee, and jumped to his feet. "I'VE GOT IT, UN! I SAY WE ELECT NARUTO AS OUR NEW LEADER-SAMA!"

Kisame jerked awake, and Itachi jumped to his feet, kunai in hand. Everyone stared at Deidara with something akin to horror, until Zetsu spoke.

"The kid… has a point. _Even though Naruto-kun wouldn't accept our proposal._"

"We could ALL go and kidnap Naruto, and then FORCE him to be our leader, un!" Deidara exclaimed happily, clapping his hands.

"THAT'S A GREAT IDEA, DEIDARA-SAN!!! YOU'RE SO COOL!" Tobi yelled in agreement.

And then… the door burst open, and Billybobjoecladharris the First burst through the door, golden eyes watering with tears. "BILLYBOBJOECLADHARRIS THE THIRTY-EIGHTH!" He sobbed, drawing his sword.

Because Billybobjoecladharris the First was also known as Sesshomaru. (A/N: Lone Bird chokes on imaginary waffle) And Sesshomaru had a magical sword known as BIllybobjoecladharris the Second, or Tenseiga. Tenseiga pulsed with life, and Sesshomaru swiped his Magical Sword at Billybobjoecladharris the Thirty-Eighth/Barney.

And then, Sesshomaru disappeared, and Barney groaned.

"LEADER-SAMA!!!!!!!!!!" Multiple voices cried in relief. "You're ALIVE!"

"Yes," Barney said coolly. "I am."

"And… you're Barney," Itachi shuddered.

"No," Not-Barney said, "I am not."

"B…but you're Billybobjoecladharris the Thirty-Eighth, un!"

"No! Damnit, why does everyone confuse me with HER! She's a GIRL for Kami's sake! I am Billybobjoecladharris the Thirty-_Ninth_! Kami damn you people! I'm a boy, Billybobjoecladharris the Thirty-Eighth is a _girl_. GET IT STRAIGHT!"

Everyone gulped. Deidara sweatdropped, and prepared himself for a royal pounding. He just _had_ to ask, no matter the consequences.

"Then… who are you, un?"

Leader-sama smirked as the Mysterious black cloud rolled into place.

"I am-" _Lone Bird's _music played, blocking out the reader's ears. When the music shut off three seconds later, every single member's (Leader-sama excluded) eyes were wide with shock and admiration.

"I don't fucking believe it," Hidan swore, his eyes shining with respect.

"Wow… I'm going to give you ALL of my money!" Kakuzu exclaimed.

"That…_was very unexpected,_" Zetsu murmured.

"Holy crap, un!" Deidara exclaimed.

"Wow. Totally unexpected. Lovely twist, Leader-sama," Kisame commented.

"WOW! I LOVE YOU LEADER-SAMA! YOU'RE MY HERO!" Tobi yelled.

Itachi settled for staring at Leader-sama, Sharingan eyes wide with a combination of shock, adoration… and love?

**A/N:**

**(1) This one goes out to muh Beta, Lone Bird. If she remembers Billybobjoecladharris from Camp. xD**

**Aes Sedai: Er… I blame the lack of update and the long wait on erm… my beta! Yeah, um Lone Bird went on vacation! So she couldn't beta!**

**Lone Bird: She lies, right Billybobjoecladharris?**

**Billybobjoecladharris: Screams like a monkey. **

**Lone Bird: Exactly! Besides Aes Sedai-san, I'd be more concerned about the readers who are going to have you hanged for ending the chapter like this.**

**Aes Sedai: Eheh… ::sweatdrop:: but, yeah, if you hang ME, I won't be able to write more! You should hang Lone Bird! Betas are expendable::evil laugh:: The Authoress always gets the last word… **

**-Aes Sedai**


	18. Mickey Mouse, Punishments

**Name: **Punishments, Mickey Mouse, and Close Calls

**Characters: **Akatsuki, Mickey Mouse, Princesses, Etc.

**Rating: **T, for language.

**Summary:** Akatsuki visits the local amusement park… chaos ensues. As usual. x3 uhm… _Inspiration from MinoryRule's idea_

**Author's Rant**: Sorry for the loooooooooong delay. I'm in China, and have limited internet access.

**Disclaimer:** I own Naruto! Mwhyaaa::coughs:; Stop staring at me like that, Lone Bird. ::huffs:: Fine. I don't own Naruto. Don't own Six/Nine Flags. Or Inuyasha. Or any other random people who enter the fic.

* * *

"GUESS WHERE WE'RE GOING, UN!" Deidara yelled, running down the halls, arm linked with Naruto's.

"WE'RE GOING TO AN AMUSEMENT PARK CALLED SIX FLAGS!"

"-_NINE_ FLAGS, UN!"

"YEAH. NINE FLAGS. WHEE!"

Twenty minutes later found two very excited Akatsuki members and six very un-excited Akatsuki members piled in a car.

Itachi muttered something about having a hair appointment. Kisame gave him a glare that clearly stated, _If _–we–_ have to suffer this, you do too. _The shark-man was miffed because he himself had tried to stay behind, but failed in a plausible excuse. Everyone else just went along calmly, because they realized that they weren't going to get out of it. Period. End of story. Un.

-

"WE'RE HERE! YAY!!!!"

The group immediately split up, partners walking off. Zetsu and Leader, being too cool to have partners, went off together.

It wasn't long before Deidara and Naruto ran into Mickey Mouse.

"Huh-ha! Ello there, blondie. Come take a picture wi' muh," Mickey Mouse asked – _told_, rather – Naruto. Grabbing his shoulders, Mickey Mouse dragged Naruto by his side. "That's a great costume ya got there, blondie. Black cloak, red clouds. Very evil. Kinda reminds me of Whats-Her-Face… the one that tried to kill Princess Aurora… ya know?"

Naruto gave a very noncommittal "hn", and managed to sound a lot like an Uchiha on their _good_ days. (Trust me, you _don't_ want to know about their 'bad days.')

"What the hell, un!" Deidara yelled, dragging Naruto back to _his_ side. "He's _my_ partner, you bastard, un!"

And then Deidara proceeded to tackle Mickey Mouse to the ground, and Naruto cheered his partner on.

Watching the fight, Kagome turned to Inuyasha, Eri, Ayumi, and Yuka, eyebrow arched. "I really don't mind homosexuals – other than Jakotsu, but honestly, do they have to do that in _public_?"

"Gawd, why are all the hot people gay?" Eri asked with a sigh, staring at Deidara.

"Dunno, but it definitely isn't fair," Yuka swooned, eyes on Naruto.

"Keh. I didn't know mousse even _had_ a preference, " Inuyasha muttered, as he eyed the pretty boys warily.

And Mickey Mouse could be found in the hospital in the Intensive Care Unit an hour later, if one _really_ wanted to visit him.

--

"Haunted house! Two tickets! Guaranteed the scariest thing you'll ever see," a voice yelled.

Itachi snorted._ After seeing Kisame naked in the shower once (on accident, of course), nothing can scare _me_ again._

Kisame grinned, his expression feral. "How about it, Itachi-san?"

"Hn," was the noncommittal response. Kisame dug out four tickets and handed them to the man before hee and Itachi headed for the cart.

A minute later, the cart lurched and dragged the two off into the darkness.

Kisame blinked owlishly for a moment, trying to gather his bearings. A strange, green ethereal light glowed, making Kisame feel uneasy.

Suddenly, a ghastly figure popped out of nowhere, right in front of the cart that had oddly stopped. Kisame barely held back a screech. Looking down, though, he saw skeletal hands clawing at the cart, refusing to let it move on.

It was then that his barely-held-back-scream-of-utter-fear-and-impending-doom became a full-fledged scream-of-utter-fear-and-impending-doom. The scary shark-man screamed shrilly and relentlessly. The tuneless utterance of stark terror gained words.

"OHMYFUCKINGGOD, ITACHI-SAN, KILL IT!" Kisame's shriek reached pitches that would've made a fangirl green with jealousy.

Itachi hopped out of the cart and burned the skeletal hands and the figure with Amaterasu.

Unfortunately, the deadly flames refused to settle with the hands and the ghost, and continued until it had consumed the whole damned Haunted House. When it had finished, it flickered out, leaving two black-with-red-clouds- robed men sitting in a cart – one of them screaming bloody murder and the other one looking particularly gleeful.

(It should be noted that the kind of glee that Itachi showed was the kind that made one want to turn tail and run in the other direction, screaming for dear life. In extreme cases, this look can make some people go insane, and the last image they see before they die is a sadistic pair of blood-red orbs. It's actually quite nasty. My best friend died of it, seriously. She ran around screaming and yelling and crying. In her insanity, though, she managed to shout one particular phrase that ran true. It went something like "SARAIYU AES SEDAI IS THE COOLEST PERSON EVAH!" Her name was Lone Bir- ::flails:: Stop poking me, Lone Bird! Alright, fine! I'll get on with the story. And I refuse to delete the part where you yell that I'm the coolest person ever. /:D)

--

Leader-sama, Kakuzu, Hidan, and Zetsu were strolling around the park at a leisurely pace, when Zetsu decided he wanted to go visit the Princesses (and maybe eat one or two.) So they headed off for the Fairy Castle part of Nine Flags.

Leader-sama ticked off a list of the princesses that they could visit, while adding his own descriptions of the lovely girls.

"Princess Aurora-Who-Sleeps-For-A-Friggen-Long-Time, Snow White-Who-Freaking-Dies-And-Comes-Back-To-Life-In-A-Cliché-Kiss-Me-Handsome-Prince-Act, Belle-the-Idiot-Peasant-Girl-who-Falls-In-Love-With-A-Freaking-Monster, Cinderella-the-Uberly-Cliché-I'm-A-Maid-Who-Got-the-(Stupid, retarded, idiotic, _blind_)-Prince-Charming-To-Fall-In-Love-With-Me, Ariel-the-Little-Pansy-of-a-Mermaid-Princess, Pocahontas-the-Indian-Girl-Who-Stares-off-Cliffs-Too-Much, among others."

Zetsu tapped his chin. "I want to visit Princess Aurora, Cinderella, and Belle. _I want to __eat__ Princess Aurora, Cinderella, and Belle. _"

And, boy, where they in for a surprise when they stopped at Aurora's, Cinderella's and Belle's scenes.

Laying in a bed in all her golden-haired beauty, Aurora's face was plastered with a scowl. One cyan eye was open and glaring at anything and everything, and the other mechanical-eyeish-thing (for lack of a better description) was analyzing his- I mean, _her_ surroundings, all the while planning an escape.

The pretty bouquet of flowers in Aurora's hands was in the process of being chewed up by… hands? Fifty-two other bouquets lay on the floor beside Aurora's bed, all clearly having died the fate that the current bunch of prickly roses were going through.

Whistling inconspicuously, Leader-sama and Kakuzu inched up to the bed. Kakuzu threw an extra Akatsuki cloak around Deidara, and yanked 'Princess Aurora' off of 'her' bed.

Many children cried that day when they went to visit the Princess, only to find a particularly vulgar sign sitting innocently on the bed.

_Princess Fucking Aurora fucking died. End of fucking story. People can't fucking sleep for a hundred fucking years, any-fucking-ways, and no fucking prince is going to want to kiss a fucker like Aurora, so why fucking bother?_

So the children's parents covered their eyes and led them off to Cinderella.

--

When Leader-sama, Kakuzu, Hidan, Zetsu, and "Aurora"/Deidara reached Cinderella, they were shocked to find the beautiful Peasant-Turned-Princess feeling pretty blue.

The girl was dressed in her brilliant blue gown – the one that so many little girls dreamed about wearing. But it wasn't the blue dress that gave the Akatsuki members the feeling that Cinderella was feeling a little off her feed. It was her _blue face_. One that was adorned with gills and an extremely nasty look.

Hidan tossed "Cinderella" a cloak, and the Akatsuki members smuggled a murderous looking Kisame out of the exhibition, waiting for a moment as Hidan left another note.

The children-who-cried-at-Aurora's-death reached Cinderella, only to find another distressing note.

_Cinder-fucking-rella is unavailable at the moment. She's cleaing up the fucking kitchen – NOT. We actually kidnapped her, and we plan on killing her. Seriously. _

The parents who covered their children's eyes did so again, and barely mustered the courage to drag them off to see the Beautiful Belle.

--

Kisame blinked at Belle. _Since when was she so fucking hot?_ He wondered to himself.

The beautiful princess was dressed in a golden gown, her raven black hair piled elegantly on her head (_wait, wasn't Belle's hair brown, _Leader-sama thought blankly.)

She was waltzing with the Beast, red-and-black-eyes gazing adoringly into her dance partner's eyes.

_What the fuck, _Hidan thought. _Red-and-black eyes?… FUCK! _

Itachi looked like he was enjoying himself though, judging from the love-sick sighs he breathed now and then, and the giggles of delight that escaped him when the Beast led him through a particularly intricate and exhilarating dance.

Nevertheless, the Akatsuki members forced Itachi out of the dress and into his cloak. Assuming the cloak, Itachi also regained his stoic attitude. The only difference was that instead of giving off an air of I'll-Kill-You-Dead, his current attitude managed to say: I'll-Kill-You-In-The-Most-Painful-Way-Possible-If-You-Ever-Mention-This-…Episode-Again.

The children who were devastated at Cinderella's and Aurora's scenes were disappointed again when they found the beast tied up against a pillar, a note stuffed in his mouth.

The parents sued Nine Flags, and dragged the children off before they could read the note that read: _I hate the Beast, so I tied him up and ran off. Go ahead and kill him for me, please. _

Hidan, it seemed, had restrained himself. There weren't any 'fucks' in the note.

--

Naruto was walking around Nine Flags aimlessly, quite lost without his helpful partner. The Park-Police who had been dragging Itachi and Kisame off, picked up Deidara and dragged the three off to God-Knows-Where for punishment. Something about filling in for sick princesses, or whatever.

"_NARUTO-KUN?_ WHAT THE HELL!" a loud and obnoxious voice yelled.

Naruto wheeled around, and was quite horrified to find himself looking at a green-eyed, pink-haired, royally pissed of kunoichi.

Watching from a distance, Kagome commented to Inuyasha and her friends again. "I guess the kid didn't tell his ex-girlfriend he was gay."

What was actually happening though…

"Erm… Uhm… 'Ello, Sakura-chan," Naruto mumbled weakling, scratching the back of his head in embarrassment.

"OH NO YOU DON'T!" Sakura yelld. "Don't you _dare_ give me that 'Sakura-chan' like nothing ever happened! YOU FREAKING _LEFT_ US AFTER YOU DRAGGED SASUKE-KUN BACK! Now it's _my_ turn to drag _your_ sorry ass back to Konoha, mister!" Tsunade's apprentice screeched.

Just then, a giant clay bird swooped down and kidnapped/saved Naruto from impending doom.

--

After that day, the Akatsuki resolved _never_ to go to an amusement park again. Ever, ever, _ever_ again.

**A/N:**

**Beta didn't get a chance to beta this. please excuse all mistakes and blame them on Lone Bird. **

**The end. I'm soooooo sorry this didn't get through sooner! I'm in China and get limited access.**

**Aes Sedai- **


	19. Wherein Much Is Revealed and Hidan

NOTE! Newest Manga Chapter Spoilers!

**Name: **_Wherein Much is Revealed and Hidan Becomes Aware _

**Characters: **You should know by now… plus Naruto!

**Rating: **… Iunno?

**Summary: **Hidan think/speaks to the authoress, and general chaos ensues.

**Author's Pleas:** OMGOMGOMG… I know. I suck. I haven't updated in forever. I'm so sorry. My fallback excuse is to blame it on my awesome beta. :P … But seriously, thank my beta for getting my ass into gear with this:

_Hey you changed your screen name! Why? Anyway, just a friendly message from your friend telling you to "GET OFF YOUR LAZY ASS AND WRITE SOME FANFICTION" __:D yay beta!_

* * *

Sir Leader-Sama was happily skipping down his _private_ halls, throwing flowers and leaves, and twirling about like a giddy school girl who was asked out by her crush. Actually, let's fix that.

… twirling about because he _is_ a giddy school girl who was asked out by his crush.

There. Much better.

Because _Konan_ had asked him out. Pretty, elegant, flower-in-the-blue-hair _Konan_ had asked _him_, the Leader of Akatsuki, out on a date. And quite frankly, it made Sir Leader-sama feel all warm and bubbly on the inside. Because Konan _lurrrrved _him, he could die happy (not that he was planning on it. Because the almighty leader of Akatsuki has never, ever, ever, lost a battle, and he never, ever, ever will.)

Sadly, like all other good, happy, and blissful happenings, his moment of joy had to end in the worst way possible. In one dramatic, utterly embarrassing and horrific scene.

His twirling was suddenly stopped as he tripped over a thin, almost invisible hair, courtesy of one resident miser. He flailed his arms and tried not to fall, but the fall was made inevitable thanks to a convenient push from behind, courtesy of yours truly. Yes, Me. Yes, I exist. Yes. I am talking to you.

Who am I?

God.

"The only God that exists is Jashin-sama!" Hidan growled.

How do you know I'm not Jashin?

"Because Jashin-sama is an almighty god of the superior sex! A man!"

Bullshit.

"It is not, your poser!"

Shut up, God-boy.

"Make me!"

I will.

"Mmhph!"

The rest of the Akatsuki who couldn't hear the terribly almighty voice of the authoress blinked at Hidan, suddenly scared that he had gone insane. After all, it isn't every day that someone up and has a conversation with themselves – well, a conversation with themselves that ends in them not being able to speak.

Deidara giggled.

He giggled again as Sir-Leader-Sama fell in slow motion after tripping over the small hair, having waited until the whole Hidan-Episode passed. "Have a nice trip, see ya next fall!" he yelled, ignoring the purely evil glare Leader-sama had given him. He also ignored Hidan's snort that sounded suspiciously like "worst joke ever" and Kisame's cough which sounded a lot like "amateur".

"Make like a bunny, Kisame!" Deidara shouted.

"What?"

"It means quick!"

"Oh. Naruto-kun, _you_ do it," Kisame grinned, turning to the blond kid next to him. Said blond kid grinned, and removed the Mysterious Black Cloud from the unsuspecting Leader-Sama's face.

It was then that Konan jumped to the scene, screaming Pein's name.

Everyone stood shock-still, except for Konan, who helped Pein to his feet.

The silence was broken after about five minutes, by Naruto. "You're Pein? Then you're not my father! Ero-sennin said that my father was Namikaze Minasomething! I quit!"

Throwing down his Akatsuki robes, Naruto _poof!_ed out of there. Another long, uncomfy silence ensued until Deidara finally cracked and burst out laughing.

"You find something funny?" Lea- _Pein_ asked, eyebrow arched.

"Pe…in…" Deidara gasped between laughs. "What kind of a name is _Pein!_"

"You know, the brat has a point," Kisame chuckled.

"Pein… like Pain! I mean, who names themselves that? That's just amateur-ish and _sooo_ cliché!"

"I'm not cliché!" Pein protested.

"No, Pein-sama, you aren't. _I mean, taking over the world isn't cliché at __all_." Zetsu said happily-slash-sarcastically.

It was then that the world decided to screw with the Akatsuki's minds as Tobi bounded into the room, practically bouncing off the walls with energy.

"Where's Naruto-san?" He asked brightly.

"Uh… He, ah… he left because he learned Sir Leader-sama wasn't his father," Kisame said hesitantly. Everyone knew that Tobi had a _thing_ for Naruto.

And that was then the TobiAuraofDoom™ swamped the room.

"_WHAT! Pein, I specifically told you not to let Naruto-san leave!_" Tobi's voice boomed angrily.

Pein cowered, diving behind Zetsu. "Save me, Zetsu!"

Zetsu stepped aside, leaving Pein to switch hiding spots and cower behind Konan.

Deidara blinked and poked Tobi cautiously. Tobi turned on him viciously, snarling, "_Don't touch me!_" Jumping back faster than straight men running from Orochimaru, Deidara fell into Kisame who promptly knocked over Itachi.

The Uchiha prodigy picked himself up from the floor with a sniff, dusting himself off. "Who are you?" he asked Not-Tobi.

"_Uchiha Madara._"

"…" Deidara face-planted.

"…" Kisame sweat-dropped.

"…" Leader-Pein whimpered.

"Nh…" Konan whacked Pein up-side the head.

"WHAT THE FUCK?" Hidan screeched, temporarily able to speak – _and temporarily __only,__ damnit!_

Kakuzu fainted clean away.

Itachi dropped to his knees andfreaking prostrated himself before 'Uchiha Madara.'

"OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGTHEREISANOTHERPERSONWITHAMULTIPERSONALITYDISORDERINAKATSUKI'MSOHAPPYWECANSTARTAMULTIPERSONALITYDISORDERCLUB. _ANDNOMATTERWHATTOBI-MADARASAISHEISJOININGCAUSEHEISTWOPEOPLEIKNEWILIKEDTOBIFORAREASON,TOBISIAGOODBOY!_" Zetsu cried happily, grabbing Tobi-Madara by the collar of his cloak and dragging him off to plan the Multi-Perosnality Disorder Club, effectively dispelling all fear that was a direct result of Tobi's Madara-ness.

Tobi/Madara yelled slow-motion style. "Nooo_ooo_oooo TOOOOBIIII ISSSS AAAAA GOOOOD BOOOOYYY. _DOOOONNN'T TOOOUUCCHH MEEEE PLAAAANNNT BOOOOY!_"

As the whole Multi-Personality Club passed, Hidan began arguing with the authoress again, because he'd found out that she heard his thoughts just as well as his words.

'_Dammit, let me speak again!'_

Fine.

"Yes! Sweet vict---_mmph!_"

Ha. Too bad you had to gloat.

'_You bitch!'_

I dare you to call me that again.

'_Ha, not like you can do much!'_

Think again. Do you want to get hunted down by fangirls? Attacked by a Mary Sue? Or, dare I say it, hit on by a Gary Stu? Hmm?

'_Oh dear Goddess, please let me fucking speak again!'_

Fine.

"YES! THANK YOU SWEET JASHIN!"

Kakuzu blinked at Hidan. Deidara tilted his head at the man. "What the hell, Hidan, yeah? Since when were conversations with yourself a cool thing, yeah?"

"I'm not talking to myself, damnit! You, fucker, tell them that I'm not talking to myself!"

He's talking to himself, I swear.

"_Jashindamnit! _I told you to fucking tell them that I'm _not _talking to my fucking self!"

"Uh… Nobody said anything, Hidan, yeah."

Everyone still hanging around, excluding Deidara, quickly fled. Nobody (but Deidara) wanted to be around an insane immortal with homicidal tendencies. Deidara thought it was great fun.

Yes, just listen to the bomb kid, God-boy.

"Stop fucking calling me that!"

Here, Deidara was getting a little more than weirded out. He promptly took the others' examples and attempted to leave.

"Don't fucking leave me alone with her, you fucker!" Hidan screeched at the blond.

"With who? Nobody's here!" With that, Deidara fled.

"Damnit, you fucking made him leave!"

No, I just wrote him out of the scene.

"Same fucking thing!"

It is _not_.

"I fucking hate you! End this damn thing now!"

It's called a chapter. Like, in a story?

"Okay, whatever. Just end the fucking chapter."

No.

"What the fuck!"

Stop saying fuck, and maybe I'll end the chapter.

"No fucking way!"

Stop saying fuck and I'll give you candy.

"I don't fucking like fucking candy," Hidan growled, stressing the word 'fuck.'

Stop saying fuck, and maybe I won't punish you.

"Kind of kinky, eh?"

Hidan giggled.

"Damnit! What the fuck, make me giggle! I still won't stop saying fuck!"

Is the word fuck that important to you?

"Yes it fucking is!" Hidan giggled.

Haha.

"Stop making me fucking giggle!"

Stop saying fuck.

"No way in hell!"

Do you WANT to know what happens to people who say fuck too much?

"Ha, you're losing your touch. Do you honestly think that fucking scares me?" Hidan giggle-asked.

Just go to chapter 15.

(Five minutes later…)

"HOLY FU- _FUDGING_ SHIT!"

Yes… Bwauahaha!

"WHAT THE FUC-_FUDGE?_"

That girl's evil, isn't she.

"Who the f-_fudge_ was she?"

Oh, just my beta.

"Your what?"

Beta. Reads this stuff over for mistakes.

"Oh. Well I'm going to fu- _fudging_ castrate him!"

Lone Bird, meet Hidan. My beta is a _girl_, god-boy.

"What the _hell_ are you humming?"

God is a giiirrrrlll! Mwuah!

"Well fuck! I mean fudge!"

Hiya, Mr. Hidan.

"I **fucking** hate you."

Oh goddamn you Hidan, you just made Lone Bird run off and cry. TT

Go say sorry.

"Never!"

Do it, or I'll set the _real_ terror of Chapter Fifteen on you. (Lone Bird: And I'll make you proof read her stories! Oh the horror!)

"You mean that wasn't her?"

Nope, not Lone Bird.

"Shit! Fine!"

_-end_

**-Teslyn**


	20. Interlude: Deidara Plots

**Name:** Much Revealed Interlude: Deidara Plots

**Summary: **Deidara becomes Aware! What shall happen?

**Author's Note:** Continuation of the last chapter

-

"Authoress-person, yeah?"

What?

"Oh sick, yeah! I knew you were there!"

Did you now…

"Yeah! I totally heard you when you talked to Hidan, yeah."

Oh really?

"But I pretended that he was going crazy, yeah. It was more fun."

Oh, so evil. You're a man after my own heart.

"Uh… yeah, well I was thinking about pulling this huge giant prank…"

When?

"In a later… 'chapter,' yeah."

Mmkay. What were you thinking?

"Well…"

Deidara leaned back in a chair, feet on desk. Tapping his fingers together, a most devious and evil smirk played on his lips as he plotted.

"I like that! Makes me seem awesome, yeah. "

I thought you would.

"Now! To the Plot Mobile!"

… I'll pass.

"_Pleeeassseee_, yeah?" Deidara pouted.

No, because my pout is better than yours.

"Bullshit, yeah."

Teslyn pouted better than Deidara.

"Touché… yeah."

Haha.

"Now, about that plot."

Yes, yes, continue.

"Well…"

Deidara proceeded to whisper in Teslyn's ear hush-edly.

Ooo, I like that. That's pure evil. And they won't even be expecting it!

Muwhahaahahahahaha!

"Bwuahahahaah! … yeah."

So, what are you Akatsuki guys planning to do for Thanksgiving?

"Dunno. What do you think we should do, yeah?"

Start Phase I of the Plan, obviously.

"Too lazy, yeah. Can we procrastinate?"

Sure.

After Thanksgiving, be prepared.

And be afraid.

Be very afraid.

"Bwuahahaha!... yeah."

_-end_

**0.o**** I'm frightened -****lonebird**

Ooh you better be frightened, Lone Bird. (She implied that I had a thing for Dei-chan! D: I took it out, obviously.)

**-****Teslyn**


	21. Chibify no Justu

**Name: **Chibify no Justu

**Summary:** Because even bad-ass criminals need some lovin' too. Minor Konan x Kisame. Yes, that's what I said.

**Rating**: Thanks to my awesome new way of saying "BLEEEP!" this fic is offically rated … okay, it's still rated T. Damn that Jashinist's potty-mouth!

**Author's Notes: **I'm sorry. D: For the extremely late update. But. Uhm. I got a life?

* * *

Pein rolled the cookie dough in his hands, trying to make it into a little ball like Konan had told him too. Unfortunately, the delicious chocolate-chip infested little blob absolutely refused to comply. His ball looked more like a… a… a clementine! A very bruised, dilapidated clementine. He hated clementines. With a burning, angry, fiery passio – _squish._

Looking down at his hands, his semi-ball of cookie dough now resembled Deidara's clay when you stepped on it (after the molding of it, but before the BOOM!). A growl escaped his lips. Konan giggled.

"Pein-sama! You have to … uh… well, you just suck at making cookies, don't you?" She tried consoling him at first, but, inevitably, it turned into making fun of him. It always did.

"I don't suck at it!" Pein pouted.

"Do too, yeah!" Deidara chirped from his seat on the counter. His tray was filled with four rows of three practically perfect spheres of brown yumminess. It should've only taken a fourth of a tub to make his twelve cookies, but five empty tubs of cookie dough littered the surrounding area, and his hands were working on a sixth.

"Fuck, Deidara!" Hidan yelled from his seat atop the smooth counter. "Nobody wants to fucking eat cookies that have your fucking mouths slobbering all over them!"

"So? Nobody wants cookies in the shapes of crosses," Kakuzu quipped just as Deidara muttered, "Fuck off, yeah." Sulkily, the blond withdrew his hands from the cookie-dough container, and with a mischievous grin, he chucked what was left (container and all) at Itachi's head. The Uchiha scowled and ducked, taking the time to give Deidara the universal gesture of unhappiness, and promptly returned to making his little balls of dough resemble tomatoes. Complete with a stem and all.

"Says the fucker whose making yen-shaped cookies, shithead!"

"Touche," Kisame answered for Kakuzu, as he casually strolled by Konan's tray. Snagging a ball from it, he popped the uncooked dough into his mouth with a cheeky grin, and walked off to prey on Deidara's perfect balls. His tray, as it had already entered the oven, was quite safe from retaliations.

"Kisame-kun!" Konan admonished, giggling. The man… shark… _thing_ in question turned his head towards her with another grin, and his hand reached out to steal one of Deidara's cookies-to-be.

"Kisame, yeah! What the hell?! Sasori-danna, Kisame ate one of my cookies, yeah!" the artist whined. Sasori blinked, looking up from his seat at the kitchen table. His expression clearly read, ... _brat. _

Deidara pouted, and hastily popped his tray into the oven before the Big Bad Shark Man got the chance to devour another of his precious darlings. Konan's tray followed, accompanied by a mock-glare thrown in Kisame's direction.

Pein watched the interaction suspiciously, as he put his own tray of lumpy cookie dough in after Kisame's tray came out.

Zetsu and Tobi had missed out on the fun to decorate the Christmas/New Year's/Chinese New Year's tree. Everyone else was rudely excluded from joining, as the tree decorating was strictly an activity for Multi-Personality Psycho Scouts trying to earn a Tree Decorating Badge.

-

"Sasori-danna, yeah!"

"…"

"Sasori-danna, yeah!"

"…"

"DANNA! … yeah!" Deidara screeched in the puppet's ear.

Said puppet barely twitched as he studiously painted away.

"_Da_-n_na_!"

The whine was accompanied by a loud _boom!_

"Deidara, if you blow up one more of your poor excuses for art in my room, I will personally castrate you, and then turn you into one of my puppets. Is that clear?"

"Crystal, yeah!" Deidara grinned, grabbing one of Sasori's wrists. With a surprising amount of strength, he dragged his puppet-partner into the hallway, down the stairs, out the door, and before he even registered what had happened, Sasori's face was squished against a second-floor window. He and Deidara were perched precariously on the head of a statue.

"What am I supposed to be looking a – _oh_." Oh was right.

Kisame. Konan. Kissing. Biting. (Birds and Bees!)

"I did not need to see this," Sasori muttered, but his eyes stayed glued to the window.

"Blue just goes together, yeah! K's too..." Deidara let out an un-manly giggle, and hopped to the ground.

-

Itachi sat fuming in his room. Five guesses as to why, and four don't count.

Yes, Itachi was _jealous_. He hadn't felt this way since Mama had given Sasuke-kun the bigger half of the tomato (and every knew that had resulted in the death of everyone. Excluding Sasuke, because Itachi wanted to wait until he was older and knew what was happening before he killed him.)

After all, Kisame was _Itachi's_ partner, and if anyone was supposed to be (Birds and Bees!) with the shark-man, it should be _Itachi._

Beside him, Pein-sama sat kicking his heels against the legs of the chair, angrily. Never, ever, _ever_ again did he want to bake cookies.

Too bad, sweetie pie.

"What?" he asked.

"What," Itachi muttered sullenly, annoyed.

"Did you say something?"

Yeah, now shut up and let him brood.

"_Excuse_ me?" Pein hissed.

"You're excused."

_-end_

**A/N:**

Uhm… Can you say pure crack and insanity and hell_o_ to writer's block?

I can. D:

-Tesi


	22. A Desperate Plea for Help

YEAH, I BET CHU THOUGHT THIS WAS AN UPDATE?

D: no, it's actually a desperate plea for help.

I want something from YOU guys. Send me a PM, a review – _anything_ – with something you'd like to see. (including the akatsuki, of course)

For exampleee? Give me a word that I have to include. Maybe a situation, a theme – Just hellllp me get my muse back!

-end desperate plea for help

(teslyn)


	23. Asking for Help

**Name: **A Desperate Plea for Help

**Summary: **Out of ideas, the authoress asks the Akatsuki for help.

**Author's Notes: :D **You guys sent lots of great ideas, but thanks to 2stupid for this one! Please forgive the fact that it is an unbetaed piece of crap. D: I'm sorry I didn't do your idea justice, 2stupid.

* * *

_I need help._

The words rang through the room, where Akatsuki was gathered, having their daily siesta. Their siesta was their break from acting insane, murdering the innocents, hunting down Naruto, killing each other, et cetera, et cetera.

Really, I do.

"Huh, danna?" Deidara mumbled sleepily. "You're horny, yeah? I can't help you with that. I really can't. Yeah."

D:!

"…" Kisame was at a loss for words. How does one explain that they just got the mental image of a frowny face? They don't, unless they want to be locked up in an insane asylum (but then again, the organization known as Akatsuki _is_ an insane asylum, so…)

"I just got a mental image of a frowny face," Kisame said aloud.

"With a fuckin' exclamation, too?" Hidan asked, perplexed.

"I saw it as well," Itachi added.

Deidara jerked awake – oh, he knew this voice alright. He remembered it from a vague dream of another world, another chapter, another day…

I NEED HELP.

Tobi clapped his hands over his years. "TOBI IS SORRY. TOBI IS A GOOD BOY, BUT YOU MADE TOBI'S EARS HURT! WAAAHHHHH!"

Zetsu patted Tobi on the head consolingly, glaring at the… thing… whatever it was… that shouted. (Well, attempted, anyways. He wasn't quite sure where the voice came from, so he settled for aiming his fiercest glare at a speck on the wall opposite him.)

"What do you need help with?" Konan asked politely – ah, THANK YOU, _someone_ in Akatsuki has brains –

"Hey, yeah! I resent that!"

You would.

"Now, now," Pein cut in. "Let's not argue with – "

With God?

"_I'm_ God, damnit!"

Lies.

"I don't lie!"

Do too.

"Not!"

Too!

"Not!"

Too!

"No-"

"Pein-sama, please," Konan muttered, rolling her eyes. She wondered if she were the only one present who possessed maturity. Then Sasori spoke up, and she thanked the heavens for an ally.

"What do you need help with?" the puppet asked.

Ideas.

"Ideas? They'll cost you," Kakuzu grinned, eyes gleaming with the prospect of making money off of this.

I'm not paying you.

"Damn!"

"Haha, Kakuzu you fucker! You just got fuckin owned!"

Anyways –

"Shut up, Hid-"

ANYWAYS.

Everyone winced, and Tobi covered his ears again.

So. Ideas for what I'm going to do with you guys.

"How about you make me leader of the world, yeah?"

"Screw you, Deidara, that's the shittiest idea ever. How about you make everyone Jashinist?"

"Like hell I'll convert!" Kisame protested as his silent, blind partner nodded in assent. "How about you give Itachi his eyesight back?"

Bad idea. Itachi plus blindness equals hilarity. I can't afford to get rid of that.

"…" Itachi made a mental promise to kill this person if he EVER got his hands on her.

By the way, you won't.

"How about you make me king of the world, and be done with it?" Pein suggested casually. Konan made calf-eyes at him, proving she didn't quite have the maturity required to manhandle and direct the childish group called Akatsuki –

"HEY! We're not childish, yeah!"

Are too.

"Are not, yeah!"

Are too!

"Not, yeah!"

"Brat, shut up," Sasori hissed. He was not going to go through _another_ one of these arguments. Honestly, what was up with feminine blonds and childish arguments? There had to be a correlation.

You guys fail at ideas. Don't you care what happens to you?

"I thought mine was fuckin' _grand_," Hidan protested hotly.

…

"Please make me god? It'll happen in the canon anyways," Pein tried again, attempting to persuade the Mysterious Voice.

I can't. Sasuke – I mean, _Shippuden_ – isn't over yet. Chances are the main character, Sasu- sorry, I meant Naruto. Kishimoto just has a crush on Sasuke, and see, it's been affecting the series a lot. Anyways, Naruto is probably going to kill you (if Sasuke's Sharingan doesn't summon God and kill you first.)

"Damn."

Yeah.

"That fuckin' sucks."

Yup.

"That's depressing, yeah…"

Uh-huh.

"Go away," Itachi muttered.

D: I made you all depressed?!

"That frowny face again," Kisame murmured.

"Without an exclamation mark."

… Bye bye?

_**-end**_

o.o;

Please forgive me for its un-betaed horridness.

-teslyn


End file.
